been

dissed. ditched. dumped. ducked.

pricks like a thorn #2

well, snowboarding is cool. and she enjoyed telling him jokes that can make him laugh. but she does not really look for a hook up with a boy. of course he is older than her and she knows that boys will always be boys. but, she is sort of fed up with trying to be the wiser one. because she is not. she wants to act like any girl her age. she does not want to nurture. she wants to be taken care of. she no longer wants to be the one who is responsible of everything. she wants to be any reckless twentyeight year old. she is tired to be the one with the sensible mind. she wants to be one of those kawaii cute girls. who only care about straightening or dyeing their hair. or paint their nails in the shape of watermelon. whom boys will love anyway. who can just giggle and being dumb and boys would still hover around them. but most of all, she thought about how living in helsinki would be a whole new hell for her. she is allergic to cold weather. and to be with a guy who snowboards, means a constant torture. she was not sure that is what she wants.

mumsies

i have always been afraid of losing her. every single day. i have never thought that her superpower could wear out. i thought that she is invincible. now i know how he must have felt. his is older than 85. mine is 64. they are supposed to last forever. to kiss our (and their own) war wounds away painlessly. not leave incurable cuts. or be beaten by cancer or high blood pressure. because they are wingless angels made of something harder than steel, softer than silk, stronger than hulk and definitely smarter than einstein.

are they not?

wishlist (5)

tuhan, kalau masih boleh minta, aku tidak ingin diberi barang bekas. walaupun masih bagus. karena aku ingin hidup yang sederhana dan lebih tidak rumit. barang pernah pakai mungkin perlu perawatan ekstra. aku tidak yakin sanggup memeliharanya. meskipun ragu, rentang usia sepuluh sampai dua belas tahun menurutku masih berterima, walaupun mungkin banyak pijakan dan layar yang perlu diselaraskan pelan-pelan dan dengan kepala santai yang terbuka. tapi, kalau boleh, aku tidak hanya ingin berbunga-bunga dan terlambung ke udara, lupa mendarat lagi ke tanah karena terlalu lama tidak terbisik hujan. aku lebih ingin merasa senyaman ketika ibuku yang lugu dan tidak mengerti apa itu jus ad bellum atau jus in bello, namun tetap mampu menentramkan peperangan yang berkelebatan di hidupku. baik di kala hujan maupun ketika matahari bersinar cerah. aku ingin bercerita kepadanya semudah dan sepolos ceritaku kepada ibuku, dan kadang ayahku. aku tidak ingin merasa takut tentang dia, kecuali ketika aku terpaksa melepaskannya untukmu.

aku tidak tahu apakah memang ada rasa yang belum ternamai untuk dia. namun jika memang ternyata ada, tolong kabulkan keinginanku ini.

aku masih akan sering datang kepadamu. meski tanpa ritual. terima kasih.

amin.

wishlist (4)

mungkin ini cara tuhan menyentil bahuku, setelah terlalu lama sibuk tanpa peduli dengan kabarnya, maupun perasaannya. tapi, tuhan, jangan ambil kegesitannya dulu, jangan ambil dia sekarang. juga jangan biarkan ia terbebani dengan kami yang terlalu ia sayangi. aku tahu aku tidak akan setegar dia, jika dia pergi. aku lebih kuat menampik tuntutan orang lain terhadap kami, daripada melihatnya berusaha tegar meskipun diam-diam sedih dan tertekan, kasihan terhadap kami yang tidak juga berumahtangga.  

 

jadi, tuhan, berilah dia sedikit ketegaran, kesehatan dan kesabaran, untuk melalui berbagai musim pernikahan yang mungkin tidak akan pernah menjadi sebuah perayaan di keluarga kami.

 

amin.

pricks like a thorn #1

it was a cold noon in helsinki. just like in other cities in the rest of europe. he was walking back from the supermarket carrying groceries in one hand. his other hand was holding his mobile phone. texting a girl she barely knew thousand miles away from where he was. she is a funny girl. she made him laugh couple of times. well, it was his idea to make her telling jokes. and just like ronnie from jersey shore, it was as if she said 'come at me, bro..'. she took the challenge. and was good at it. he did not really know where things are going, heck, he did not even know what time was it where she was. but, he enjoyed her company. she asked what he was doing, and telling her he was making croissant sounded fancier than eating a sandwich. so, that was what he did. sweet-talking a girl is what he does best. he wondered what would she think of him. because she sounded so cool traveling to remote areas as a living. at least compared to him snowboarding. who doesn't snowboard in scandinavia? and just like a glacier suddenly comes up in the mountain slope, she stopped texting him after he told her he snowboards. he thought snowboarding was cool.

of peacock and rainbow

in case one day you accidentally come across this blog, since you came to our place, you become the reason i dress better recently. i know i can like you just like i like your predecessor. although i disapprove the blue shirt and khaki trousers. always. and as a gay italian -which does not reflect in your masculine german name-, with shoes to match every outfit every other day of the week, you should know better.

so, yes, we're not marc jacobs or alexander mcqueen, but now that i think about it, being nicely dressed does bring good feelings.

thank you.