his words (2)

dulu, saya sebenernya nggak niat jadi tentara. mestinya saya ke amerika dapat undangan dari fulbright. tapi exit permitnya, itu, lho, kalo sekarang semacam security clearance gitu, nggak keluar. eh, nggak lama saya dapat surat untuk wamil. mereka bilang, nanti sama aja, kok, kamu kami bisa sekolahkan ke luar negeri. akhirnya, ya, saya wamil dari itb. terus saya dikirim ke inggris. disekolahkan dan diangkat anak sama kesultanan johor. eh, pas balik, kok, ijazah saya nggak diakui. tapi, bener, deh, saya pernah ditugasin di timah, itu saya kesel banget. masak orang-orang timah itu pada punya rumah sakit dengan fasilitas mewah yang nggak boleh dimasukin masyarakat umum. sementara kami ini cuman dapet puskesmas. ya, nggak adil, dong. saya bilang ke mereka, kamu dan kami itu seperti ikan dan air, saling membutuhkan. ikan nggak ada air, mati, air nggak ada ikan nggak apa-apa, tapi kurang bagus. jadilah, mereka mulai rutin bikin pesta buat pemerintah setempat, merhatiin lingkungan sekitar. ya, mungkin mereka takut juga, saya tentara. tapi bener, deh, dulu saya kalo jadi komandan berusaha supaya sama-sama enak. akhirnya, ya, waktu saya selesai tugas di sana, masyarakat pada bawain saya sagu yang dibulet-buletin gitu, walaupun, maaf, mungkin kurang higienis, karena dibuletin pakai tangan yang mungkin juga kotor. tapi saya senang. ya, sudah, kalian jangan sampai ketinggalan pesawat lah. ibu sama irfan nanti paling dari jakarta jam tiga. salam, ya, itu buat bu jackie dan bu nita.

-on our visit to the hospital today. get well soon, pak bun-

a new low

five years ago random fling with some younger boys seemed harmless and fun. now, it seems like a desperate cry of help. to which its single second i excrutiatingly have to endure.

if this is not sad, i don't know what is.

go screw yourself

first you said it was a bad idea. then you learned that he is not going because he had to go to that place you love so much. which by the way i had told you because the big guy told me, but you did not believe me and you wanted to confront the big guy. saying as if i wanted you to do that. i don't have to have you do that. i know. i asked three people and all three confirmed the same. it must be true. anyway, then you suddenly think that my first idea was better. well, i don't mind doing it. i made it anyway, didn't i?i know that you're not comfortable with me doing it. well, you need to relax, although i probably am going to stutter doing it, i can do it. i am used to take bullets for this shit, remember? so, yeah, i kind of got offended.

but in this world, my feelings don't count, right?

problems of the world #3

isn't there a bit of guilt when you deal more with paying the subscription of cable tv or fussing over a white shirt or family vacation rather than focusing on giving inputs for the presentation? which is more important, the lives of tens of people deprived of their basic rights or you getting two free nights in bali? would you give up your chance of paid holiday for a visit to the field to deal with extremists?

 

yeah. i thought so too.

gerutu (15)

ini apa-apaan, sih? ditugaskan itu artinya dipekerjakan. datang untuk bekerja. bukan datang, lalu ingin mesin cuci dengan air panas agar baju putih tetap putih. atau ribut mencari tukang jahit. bagianmu itu mengurusi orang hilang dan ditahan. 

 

what did you think we are? marc jacobs?

lustfool

sebenarnya, kau mau aku seperti apa? fooling around is fun, but it's also a handfull. aku tidak merasa tertekan, even when i don't have your number. itu pilihanku. untuk tidak menyimpan nomormu. and your choice for keeping mine, but not to dial it. which i respect and admire. aku tidak akan seteguh itu. i inboxed you on facebook to fix my glasses, didn't i. and was happy that you responded in less than half an hour. i was still in jogja then. mereka semua sengaja ku cc. i would lose my guard if it were only subjected to you. but then again i need to know if you still care for me. entah untuk apa. maybe i will always miss you. karena kamulah orang dewasa pertama dan mungkin satu-satunya yang membuatku merasa penting dan dihargai. you also make me feel loved and wanted. jadi, selelah dan serumit apapun bersama atau tanpamu, i don't think i'll ever mind.

i hope i can gradually learn to stop all this wishful thinking. karena kata narasumber rachael ray tadi siang, it's okay not to be happy.

problems of the world #2

this morning i met that little chinese girl, her older brother and their maid again on the bus. i used to respect all of them just the same. until her older brother sat on that seat instead of giving it to his little sister.

 

really. no matter at what age. why boys would do that?