a curse

: my life to me.

i just hope it is not infectious to other people.

lopsided loops

hey, god!
let me ask you one thing:
is it possible that a person
gets everything s/he wants
and continuously
be the spotlight
when at the same time
another person
gets screwed every single time
and repeatedly
overshadowed?

a girl needs a mother

because friends have their own problems
and fathers or boyfriend hardly listen
at the same time journals cannot respond
while colleagues are just people at work
one has to keep things professional with.

so, even when mother rarely gets the sense;
a girl needs a mother,
for she knows how to make things better.
or at least seem bearable.

end

before we part ways and bid goodbye to each other,

let me sing you the cure's i'll stop the world and melt with you.

but i guess whatever that was,

it is now over.

paradox

he always misses her no matter what she did. it is either love, naivety, or plain stupidity. and she, despite her longing for something better, has since been attached to him as well as could no longer bear the thought of pain he would have to endure if she left him. it is either love, charity, or empathy.

she would never dare to dream that what they have is forever, but he seemed very confident that they are meant for each other in all eternity.

none of them knows for sure what the future holds for both of them, but they have decided to be for each other at least until fate decides otherwise.

semur ayam santen teriyaki

Description:
super gampang. cocok untuk berbuka maupun sahur. bisa dimasak menjelang berbuka dan dipanaskan untuk sahur.

Ingredients:
bahan:
dada ayam dari satu ekor ayam, potong dadu
setengah potong tahu cina usuran 5x15cm, potong dadu
2 buah sayap ayam
2 buah ceker ayam
1 buah tomat, potong bitesize

bumbu
4 siung bawang putih, cincang lembut
1 siung bawang Bombay, rajang halus
2 sendok makan kecap manis
2 sendok makan saos teriyaki
1 sachet santan instan
1 sendok makan minyak goreng untuk menumis

Directions:
panaskan wajan, tuangi minyak goreng, tumis bawang putih dan bawang bombay dengan api kecil hingga layu.

masukkan potongan ayam dan tahu cina, tumis hingga setengah matang. tuangkan kecap manis dan saos teriyaki, tumis hingga kecap dan saos tercampur rata.

tambahkan santan instan, aduk hingga santan tercampur. jika perlu, tambahkan air. didihkan. masukkan potongan tomat.

aduk sesekali hingga semua bahan matang dan tercampur rata. sajikan.

untuk mengimbangi rasa semur yang manis, bisa disajikan dengan salad sayur dengan saus yang asam (kombinasi minyak zaitun dengan perasan lemon dgn sedikit garam-merica atau kombinasi minyak zaitun dengan balsamic vinegar).

squished

jakarta has taken its toll on me.
this time, i am desperately longing to leave.
9 millions people in 740 square kilometre
is definitely a crowd.
am not sure i can take walking from dharmawangsa to blok a or further every evening.
even when i don't really do anything at work.
but, i guess my fate and fortune is not going to change.
at least not anytime soon.

monoluck

oh, god.
please don't say
i don't pursue
my own happiness.
litterally every year,
i spent at least
three times
of my worn out
impatience
to chase
a some kind of happy.
including this year.
i suck it up,
swallow my pride,
ignore the blackhole
of my hollow heart,
and just keep moving.

how else should i
keep moving?

his words (3)

be happy for what you have;
but,
fight for what you don't have.

allah will make a way, where there seems no way.

damned

i have ruined my shot at a chance of better life just because i do not have a good time management and can only speak one foreign language.

i want to explore other options

tapi, bagaimana seseorang tahu bahwa ia tidak sedang menyia-nyiakan hal terbaik yang disediakan tuhan untuknya. jika 'other options' itu tidak setepat dan sebaik semua yang dimilikinya sekarang. but then again, apakah 'hal yang tepat' itu? dan apakah 'hal yang baik' itu? bukankah semuanya hanya perlu penyesuaian saja. nanti juga semua akan menjadi tepat dan baik. and eventually; nyaman.

dan sebenarnya, 'other options' itu apa? tawaran pekerjaan di perusahaan oil and gas yang paling terkenal? tawaran menikah dari a complete stranger? kesempatan tes untuk sebuah posisi yang gajinya lebih tinggi dan masalahnya lebih menantang, tetapi tergagalkan karena one does not master the required language of the company?

entahlah. yang jelas, berada di situasi yang sama hampir selama dua ribu hari, pasti akan menimbulkan kebuntuan.

i am just an inch away of becoming a zombie.

tied

somehow i wonder
if god had locked my fate
upon this job
and that i have to bear
its every inch
of bittersweet consequence
until death parts us.

musim layangan

baru membumbung sebentar, benangku sudah tergilas benang yang lain.

benang gelasan kadang bisa mematikan langkah.

mungkin memang lebih baik diam di rumah.

rambut tidak memerah. kulit pun tetap memucat.

kalah itu perlu. tetapi mungkin cukup sekali waktu. jangan selalu.

tak baik juga hati melulu tertimbun nyeri.

biarlah kurang pergaulan, yang penting jarang menangis.

kendala

ingin minum susu coklat. tapi, kampung tengah su penuh ini.

alasan

ingin mulai. tapi, 3 voucher internet gratis sudah terpakai semua.

by the way's (14)

the new spiderman casts really bug me. peter parker is an awkward poor uncool kid. not a witty hipster. although i am sure the people at marvel would not have guessed that in 2012 the cool kids all want to dress like the nerds. the cynics -that's me- and they refer to them and themselves as hipsters. like joseph gordon levitt. zooey deschanel. michael cera. ellen page. the icons of hipsterdom. they did not realize what they have done to the real uncool kids. yep. characters assasination. now. i know grown-ups are not supposed to put people in boxes. and i never classify myself as indie or mainstream because frankly i love both worlds. and although i am sad to see these superficial uncool kids roaming about becoming the person they are not, i am not going to condemn them. i can just wish that they would consider how the real uncool kids, the poor kids and the ugly kids would feel.

give the less cool and uncool more space. and more chance. because they will not be bill gates or steve wozniaks, if the steve jobs are keep stealing the originalities.

so. i know that tobey is too old for peter parker, but i would not enjoy a trendy peter parker.

qi

right now, you are my only happiness
that i need not share with anybody else
; which i am most grateful for.

by the way's (13)

i know that brave is supposed to be somewhere in scotland, but the castle really looked like the castle of methoni in greece.

perception

he looks at life as a privilege.

they look at life as a right.

i look at life as a curse.

just a thought

they spent three intense days in a conference to talk about democracy. but, frankly, it surprised me, that for somebody who came from a country who recently experienced a revolution did not make a connection between whether or not they need the revolution. or whether it was a fed revolution or a real one. did egypt really need a revolution? was their leader really corrupted? not only financially, but more important than money is ideology. was he? did libya or yemen or syria needs a revolution? or did some other country(ies) need sources to pay their invisible (or a non-admitted) debt. libya for sure was (and hopefully still is) the richest african country, thanks to muammar gadaffi. why would they need a revolution? the most ancient reason for war is economy. if there is nothing wrong in a country's economy, why would it need a revolution? were they forgot that iran and uganda was fed with the same pattern to make them start a revolution and it failed, because apparently, iran and uganda still have a firmer conviction and sovereignty over their countries. or in the believers words, god still protects them.

 

i think the world needs to wake up, that it is true that once some centuries ago european and northern american countries were the world's power source. but, this is a new century, where things are borderless, and everything should therefore inevitable to be equal. so, why not let asian and african countries to be the next best things? we were after all the ones with the more brains and muscles.

 

then i realistically go back to the reality, that the conference was paid by one of the european countries. let them say what they think they know. may god have mercy upon us all.

 

insha allah.

tawakkal

tuhan, masih ingat aku kan? maaf aku jarang datang. kadang aku lupa denganmu. sungguh. ini bukan pledoi yang sok dramatis. atau ratapan galau. aku memang akhir-akhir ini sering tidak memikirkanmu. terima kasih karena sudah memberiku banyak hal yang kubutuhkan. tetapi, kapan kira-kira kau memberiku sesuatu yang kuinginkan? walaupun memang sudah lama aku tidak ingin apa-apa lagi. dan, ya, kau pasti sudah tahu kenapa kali ini aku datang lagi. tepat. aku ingin agar engkau membuatnya bahagia. aku gagal melakukannya. kau tahu aku sendiri banyak urusan. dia akan lebih baik dan bahagia jika aku tidak ada di dalam hidupnya. aku tidak lebih tahu darimu tentang apa atau siapa yang terbaik baginya. tetapi, jika kami hanya menambah beban kami masing-masing, tolong kurangkan atau bahkan hilangkan kami dari semesta kami masing-masing. aku dari dia dan dia dariku. jangan libatkan kami ke dalam hal-hal yang mustahil bagi kami. jika kau memang sebaik yang selalu kami coba sangkakan, maka setiap pilihanmu untuk kami pastilah yang terbaik di antara yang baik. dan satu lagi, jika inilah pilihanmu untukku dan untuknya, limpahi kami dengan keteguhan hati dan keikhlasan untuk menjalani pilihanmu. berkahi kami dengan keyakinan bahwa yang kusut akan terurai, yang buram akan menjelas, serta yang kusam akan bersinar. bahwa semua akan baik-baik saja. karena kami bersandar kepadamu.

amin.

elastis

when it comes back to you, it is yours.
when it does not, it was never yours.

lay low

hey, shrek.

could u probably give me a hint where can i live in the deep forest where it is far and no humans would dare to go there? i would have gone to scotland and asked the lochness for an advice and tricks to stay unspotted had i known how to swim. besides, its lake is always crowded with tourists and yellow page tabloids people. publicity is the first thing i would want to avoid ever.

if u get this message, inbox me.

sincerely,
a fellow ogre.

ikhlas

kau menyadarkanku kembali ke kenyataan terburuk tentang kita. bahwa tidak semua yang kita inginkan pasti akan kita dapatkan. terlepas dari banyak hal tentangmu yang belum berterima dengan hidupku dan segala aspeknya; ternyata, membayangkan kehilanganmu cukup menyakitkan. dan untuk saat ini, aku tidak ingin terlalu memikirkannya. aku hanya ingin menikmati setiap waktu dan jedanya denganmu. selagi aku masih bisa.

biarlah hari buruk itu datang tanpa terduga. reaksiku ketika saat itu tiba, itulah reaksi terbaikku untuk hidup tanpamu. tak perlu skenario.

insya allah, semua akan baik-baik saja.

judi

memacarimu ternyata memerlukan lebih dari sekadar jiwa dan ragaku. semuanya harus kupertaruhkan di atas meja. hampir seluruh waktuku. keberanianku. ketakutanku. kesombonganku. kerendahandiriku. keyakinanku. keraguanku. dan entah apa lagi.

kartu mana lagi yang harus kumainkan? bandar seperti apa yang harus kupercaya?

aku hanya tidak ingin kalah lagi.

exception

i do not normally like australians or australia. but, i can always make room for something i grew up with. phil collins' songs are among them.

tamu

setelah sekian lama sejak aku kau tepis, kau duduk dan makan bersamaku. hanya kita. tanpa jengah.

lima tahun sejak kau secara sengaja mengikisku dari hidupmu, kau sapa aku untuk berbincang sejenak. berdua saja. tanpa luka.

tidak akan pernah mudah bagiku. tapi, kau tidak perlu tahu itu.

compromised

there is not a problem in this world that alcohol cannot solve.

effort

spare an ear.

free some mind.

save a heart.

the way of the world

everybody snores, burps and farts. at different frequency. i just do not have the difficulty to admit it. or the need to judge other people based on how they snore, burp and/or fart. thus, the rest of the world should not either. gas is gas. there should be no further implication or complication.

one snores, burps and farts. metaphoricallessly.

schroedinger's cat

does not really apply for an aspiring engineer with a crazy hot body who seems to be horny all the time, or a freshly graduated engineer who has nothing to do other than watching serials, or a graduate engineer with unnoticed untreated mild ocd who is afraid of dogs. or anyone.

so, if the cat is alive, it can bite me.

the ogreself

i can always relate to bruce banner's or logan's alterego. our lonesome nature is often mistaken as monster. only because we are born with icky colors, scary features and gruesome manners. people stay away to avoid future difficulties. they assume we were not born with brains or hearts. we are after all people's worst nightmare. but really, we are just being us and never planning on bothering thee.

preferrence

i just want to go home. to be with my housemates. the ones i want to be with. them who want to be with me. not here where i rather feel nothing. maybe cooking. or eating. just chitchatting. about everything. from boys and family. from happy to the most annoyings. maybe sleeping. or reading. browsing. enjoying. dvds. books. movies. musics. food. statuses and tweets. anything but going. because being here is getting more and more irritating. i feel like i am more and more close to vanishing.

i love cats

emotionless animals for emotionless people.

achievements

no prospective career, scholarship, or significant other.
but, we managed to install the stove to the gas and the tv to the dvd. by ourselves.

positive

like so many happiness in my life that wears out easily, i can just tell that you will soon be over too.

gleetney

the whitney houston episode on glee is definitely my favorite gleepisode. i can even love the gayest gay it's not right but it's okay by blaine. and kurt response of i have nothing is just awwww. especially to see the green blaine all teary eyed. it is cheesy yes. but cheese is afterall my most favorite thing in this world. and of course, although i was kind of disappointed that they did not do my most favorite whitney song, where do broken hearts go, how will i know is like a wake up call for me. i absolutely love glee's version of it.

 

longing

rasanya bosan bertanya kepada diri sendiri kapan kondisi keuangan ini akan pulih.

sundays best

i could not wait until the weekends where we could just listen to augustana taking us to different places through their songs. boston. california. los angeles. the stars. the boulevards. even the wasteland. just me and you. together. without moving our lazy arses.

proyek

sayangnya, aku tidak bisa membantu tentang kemampuan programmingmu yang lemah. aku buta tentang teknologi dan permesinan. namun, pelan-pelan, nanti kau kuajari banyak hal yang lain. sama-sama kita perbaiki tata bahasamu. selera filmmu akan bertambah, setelah nanti kita sama-sama menonton birdcage, vertigo, if, frankie and johnnie dan all the president's men. aku pasti akan mengajakmu menonton dexter dan will and grace. jangan takut dengan homoseksualitas. itu pilihan mereka, kita tidak berhak menghakimi. tahukah kamu bahwa pemeran sheldon cooper adalah seorang homoseksual? ah! jangan lupa, the big bang theory juga. serial favorit kita. bukan hanya itu, akan kuperkenalkan kepadamu queen dan beberapa band rock alternatif yang kusuka. eh, aku suka dangdut juga, sih. kau juga nanti suka. kau tidak perlu menyukai mereka juga, tapi setidaknya kau akan tahu banyak hal menarik di hidup ini. jangan kaget dengan buku-buku yang kubaca, aku selalu tertarik tentang sosialisme, komunisme, sejarah dan agama. tetapi, koleksi manga dan komikku juga cukup banyak, kok. oh, dan aku cinta mati dengan serial harry potter. tujuh buku itu sudah kubaca berkali-kali dan aku masih akan membacanya lagi, berkali-kali lagi. sambil mengudap, tentu. hmmm. makanan apa yang kira-kira bisa berdamai dengan lidah medokmu? perasamu terlalu terikat dengan masakan ibumu. tenang saja. aku malah senang. hidup akan menjadi lebih menantang.

semoga kau siap bertualang rasa denganku.

ramai

suara motor yang digas kencang-kencang masih terdengar. mereka yang bergegas-gegas pulang, letih bermalammingguan. hampir pagi di sini. lebih dari dua jam yang lalu aku terbangun. di kepalaku suara rihanna mendengungkan we found love in a hopeless place. suara kipas angin seolah menjadi mixer yang melatari suara di kepalaku dengan musik-musik diskotik lagu-lagu masa kini. gegap gempita. kau di mana. sedang apa. ah, aku seperti sammy simorangkir. tadi kita sedang bercanda tentang pernikahan. sebelum kau pergi untuk makan malam. sebelum aku tertidur kebosanan menunggumu. kau yakin sekali tentang menikah. membuatku jadi tak ragu untuk mengimpor ibu-ibu kita agar kita tak kelaparan, jika nanti kita menikah. aku tak ingin kau cepat mati karena memakan masakanku. kalau kau mati, siapa yang kuajak bertengkar tentang hal sepele seperti film cinta kacangan yang kau tonton kemarin malam. atau kebiasaanku tertidur di tengah percakapan. kau bukan orang pertama yang memarahiku karena itu. mantan teman sekamarku pernah mendiamkanku karena aku tertidur di tengah sesi curhatnya. hanya ada satu orang yang tidak marah ketika aku tertidur, kolegaku di kantor yang pernah kutinggal tidur di mobil ketika ia sedang bicara. ini itu bermunculan di kepalaku. banyak hal di pikiranku beberapa hari ini. tapi saat ini, aku hanya ingin melihat icon hijau itu muncul di pojok kiri atas layar teleponku. atau setidaknya melihat huruf D di awal pesanku berubah menjadi R. secepatnya.

tega

belum lagi genap tigapuluh jam sejak aku menutup mulutku, kau sudah membuatku menangis.

uncanny

gulliver mcgrath. joseph gordon levitt. edward norton. they should someday play a movie together. either as a same person from different generation/ era. mcgrath can be a younger version of norton; while levitt can play as teen/young adult norton. or as relatives. mcgrath and levitt could pose as norton's kids.

satu empat tiga

kata-kata itu keluar begitu saja. sesaat sebelum dirimu berangkat untuk menunaikan shalat jumat bersama kakakmu. katamu kau bahagia mendengarnya. ya. kau sudah terlebih dahulu mengucapkannya. berkali-kali. tentu kau ingin juga mendengarku mengucapkannya. entah apa yang mendorongku untuk mengucapkannya. bahwa kau muslim dan rajin sembahyang. atau jambul musangmu yang klimis dan selalu membuatku geli. mungkin juga bisep di kedua lenganmu yang putih dan kurus. barangkali foto-fotomu yang sok keren menyilaukan mataku. atau bisa jadi kesediaanmu untuk menerimaku beserta semua borok-borokku. yang kadang membuatku khawatir bahwa kau hanyalah orang aneh dengan sejuta perilaku menyimpang karena mampu melihat banyak hal tentangku yang tak bisa kulihat. tapi ini baru awal. aku belum tahu apakah aku mampu melihat dan menerimamu lebih dari sekedar tata bahasamu yang acak-acakan, aksen bicaramu yang sangat dusun dan kental, usiamu, etnismu, stereotipe tentang etnismu, pandanganmu dan banyak lagi lainnya. dan kau perlu mencari pekerjaan yang lebih mapan. namun, yang lebih penting lagi, aku berharap aku mengatakannya bukan karena dia meninggalkanku untuk selamanya.

dimmed

for the time being, this lightless room is enough to witness my grief. the urge to interact with other beings have ceased. i long to crawl inside the wardrobe and stay there for eternity. but, what will happen on monday, when shit strikes and i have to be there; while you are no longer there at the end of the day consolling me with your weird sense of humor. would i still have some smile to put on? and what do i do with this ache i feel in the middle of my chest? i do not really care anymore with all human errands, since you left. if anything, i learn to put out dreams once again.

sampahati

tuhan yang baik, rasanya hari ini dadaku kembali nyeri. dia benar-benar pergi dari hidupku. ternyata, dia tidak pernah jadi milikku. lupakan will dan skylar. apalagi josette dan barnabas. kami bukan dan tidak pernah jadi 'sesuatu'. entah bagaimana caranya ikhlas dan pasrah, aku sudah menyerah. aku ingin mengutukmu karena banyak hal, dan terutama karena merenggangkan genggamanku kepada sejuta mimpi tentang dia. dan banyak hal lainnya. aku tidak tahu lagi apa yang kau mau dariku. hidupku hanya odong-odong karatan buatmu. seperti angelique, kau gerus satu persatu semua hal yang kuinginkan. kau tentu ingat ia yang mengajarkanku untuk selalu berprasangka baik kepadamu. kau pun menjauhkannya dariku. kau ingin aku cinta hanya kepadamu lebih dari segalanya? aku bukan biarawati. aku tidak bisa menikah dan setia dengan tuhan. apalagi tuhan yang baik sepertimu. sekarang terserahlah kau mau apa dengan hidupku. aku sudah tidak punya lagi keinginan. toh seperti pacar pencemburu, kau rampas setiap hal yang kumau. kau hancurkan berhala lain agar aku selalu kembali berpaling kepadamu. tapi, tuhan yang baik, tentu kau juga tahu, aku dan banyak yang lain berpaling kepadamu karena takut kepada murkamu, yang seperti wanita perawan tua pembenci laki-laki yang akan menstruasi. kalau tidak, kau tidak akan menciptakan lahar api neraka di mana setiap kami akan berenang di dalamnya karena apapun yang kami lakukan selalu saja tidak mengena di hatimu, dan oleh karenanya berhak atas setidaknya sekali berkubang di kolam lahar api ciptaanmu itu. tuhan yang baik, ajarkan aku mencintaimu tanpa ketakutan.

topeng

susah menahan air mata untuk tetap bersembunyi di kelenjarnya. kadang hidup sedemikian tidak bersahabatnya. tetapi semua orang terlanjur mengenalmu sebagai ia yang senantiasa menertawakan derita dan tersenyum pada luka. jika kau berhenti ceria, semua bahagia di dunia akan sirna.

resort

i never want to be a smoker;

but, i am considering to convert as an alcoholic.

fuck it

i want to give my middle finger from both hands to the world

but the world give a rat ass at me for giving it the finger

unwholywood

we were supposed to be like skylar and will. but, you gave up on me too fast. or, i was just never a skylar to you. even though you are always a will to me.

embodiment

i would really love to brush you off of me. you are rather annoying. but, i quickly remembered, that with him, i am probably you. or similar at least. and my heart would (or maybe it has broken) break in gazillion little pieces if he brushes me off. so, like a pokemon master, i am keeping you. until you are bored with me.

cadangan

rindumu hanya berlaku jika kau perlu sesuatu.

softboard

banyak pertanyaan yang pasti ingin kuajukan jika nanti aku bertemu tuhan. misalnya, apa mukaku ini mirip papan informasi? karena, dari nenek-nenek portugis di bandara frankfurt yang akan menuju adelaide pada pukul dua dinihari hingga bapak-bapak berkumis dalam mobil suzuki carry di tengah deras hujan sialan di melawai hari selasa kemarin, sepertinya melihatku seperti melihat petugas tourist information centre.

on duty

i really am not in the mood to go for this wedding back home. but i have bought new shoes that he said pricey but looked nice on my feet. where else would i wear it if not at weddings?

 

i hope am allowed to bring my mobile phone and that there is mobile internet coverage at the venue. or at least all of these instant free messaging thing work well. or i can just shoot myself for being in a place where i only recognize around twenty people max.

 

oh. i am fucked.

jinxed

i guess you are not coming back. it is already may and i have yet spoken to you again. life would be simpler if we never knew each other. and i want no complication in mine. funny how the universe sort of taking care of that for me. now i need to pack. getting rid of these junk i took out from the old dusty boxes when life sort of crossed our paths to one and another. i don't think i will ever need them again. i am tired of keeping that boxes with me all the time, when what is in it have never been used longer than what i would have wanted. unpacking it is an exhausting work. it is like going to europe in winter for just three days. too much fuss for such a short time. like an earthquake drill, it is not a false alarm, just was not real tragedy.

you don't like panda and rollingstones,

but, i like you.. :3

is in

one of those days when one is apt to only snow patrol's songs..

and they give nothing but miserable and lazy mood..

live to rise

an epic comeback after 15 years. pleased to see you again, soundgarden!

sia-sia

setahun. sepuluh tahun. seratus tahun. seribu tahun bertahan pun, tidak akan ada bedanya.
semoga alam semesta tidak bersekongkol untuk menahanku lebih lama di sini.

still

that door was blocked for various reason. to avoid monsters coming in was one of them. to let fear escape was hence another. yet, somehow the key found its way to its hole. now it is opened again. and everything that i have imagined to see was all there. one never knew until it is too late.

i wished i had not won this bet. but i rarely lost in betting nightmares.

whiteflag

a guy would do anything to get laid.
a girl would do everything to feel loved.

and i would rather sleep until the apocalypse.

masih

di mana lokasi distribusi rasa optimis? aku ingin ke sana. aku ingin mendaftar menjadi salah satu penerima manfaatnya. dan menukarkan rasa optimis yang mudah menguap ini dengan yang lebih hebat daya lekatnya.

samaran

jika tidak pergi, banyak orang akan marah. kata mereka, keluarga itu yang terpenting. ini adalah momen terpenting di keluarga mereka. keluarga mereka adalah keluargamu juga. tapi, sejujurnya, aku sedang tidak ingin kemanapun. bukan saja karena uang tabunganku sedang tipis, licin tandas, tetapi juga karena banyak hal lain. aku sedang tidak ingin berada di keramaian, berjumpa dengan terlalu banyak wajah, yang sembilan puluh lima persennya tidak kukenal. aku sedang ingin egois, cuti sebentar saja dari selalu menyenangkan orang lain, dari setiap saat tidak ingin menyakiti hati banyak orang. aku perlu waktu sejenak untuk memulihkan topeng baik dan sabar yang sudah mulai memudar dan terkelupas di sana-sini ini. tapi, jika tidak pergi, banyak orang yang akan marah. sedih. dan tersinggung. semua boleh marah, sedih dan tersinggung. aku tidak.

semoga topeng ini masih kuat untuk dipakai sedikit lagi.

on hold

you could be happy i hope you are. you made me happier than i'd been by far.

somehow everything i own smells of you and for the tiniest moment it's all not true.

 

if anything, you make me recite this snowpatrol song in hope that you will be back sooner than soon.

 

is it too late to remind you how we were?

 

will you be coming back?

gerutu (18)

here is what happened to one of my colleagues in india. she is very pretty. and very smart. she is a professional in the human resources department. she knows what she is doing and never afraid to speak her mind. strategically, of course.

 

one day, she was sent for a training at the headquarter. then, when she got back to india, the bigboss in india, told her to resign. everybody who knew this matter, assume that her so called direct supervisor may envy her skills and experience in human resources. he has never been called to the headquarter to attend such training. he was probably offended why they sent her not him.

 

it is not her fault that the organization told her to go. every travel abroad and within any country is under the consent of the bigboss. if she went, then the bigboss must approve. she will not under any circumstances be allowed for travel anywhere, if her travel request is denied.

 

now she is trying to bring this matter to the court. i hope there is still justice in india. i do not have degree in law, but any fool can see that legally she could win this case, given no 'monkey-business' is played under the table.

 

in a smaller and much more related context, i hope my direct supervisor who always speaks highly of him, because they were friends back in sudan, realize that she is not one of the best judges of characters. not badmouthing should never mean you speak falsely of a person. when you do not know well a person, simply say that you know him/her, but not more than just that. or just stay quiet. and that his girlfriend who is our administrator here in jakarta, who often act meangirls to us, national staffs, at the delegation, can make peace with herself, feel better about herself, grow up, start to get herself together and be professional. it is okay to not know everything about anything. no body appreciates a know-it-all. especially those who pretend to know it all.

 

to a further extent, i hope that the short-minded caucasians can start to learn to be more objective and putting things in perspective. i hope they can start to realize that there is no need to feel threatened by the bright minds of asians and africans. i cannot speak on behalf of africans; but, we, asians, most of us at least, have manners and believe in karma. we believe that what we get is what we give in return.

 

no greater good is ever yielded upon the seven sins.

mr. fahrenheit

i got slightly cheerful everytime i hear freddie mercury chants don't stop me now.

consequent

all that was my effort of being nice to people. but it only take a humiliating public announcement to make me stop.

to me, you are dead. i stop being nice to dead people.

terlangkah

tidak akan pernah ada satu api dan satu air yang sama kuatnya di dalam sebuah bejana. salah satu pasti akan kalah.

 

when it would never be you. it should logically be me.

lullaby

now i do not know why i have to listen to christinaperri's athousandyears, colbiecaillat's inevertoldyou, neontrees' animals, katyperry's theonethatgotaway, and sarabareilles' lovesong before i went to bed last night. they all remind me of what we are. or were. of how this thing i have, or had for, or with you.

i feel indifferent this very morning. about us.

must be the songs.

re-bruised

i should not have sung you soft kitty. it was too fast. now you feel better. while i got worse.

guess it is time to jog along.

sugarbuzz

mommie, last night i dreamed of us. you. your bestfriend. and me. i do not know why my brother was nowhere to be seen in the dream. we were having ice cream. do you remember how you used to not let me having chocolate ice cream soda at moncherie because it contained soda. and it was presented in such a too tall glass that a five year old would never finish it. my brother would order it and you would let him. he was seven, and it was chocolate and soda. of course he could finish it. you would order me something like one or two scoops of ice cream with chocolate eggrolls, because you know crispy things distract me more than the ice cream itself. but that was somewhat twentyfour years ago. when you did not have high blood sugar. when you could afford a simple luxury every now and again for us, your two brats. when you could walk proudly in heels so high i did not know you were not even taller than me. when i did not have to meticulously count every single coin i need to spend just to have fun with you or plainly see you because i have to juggle between expenses for the house and unplanned getaway. when i was carefree.

when i was happier.

pointless

sudah tidak ada lagi
darah untuk ditumpahkan,
tulang untuk dipatahkan,
airmata untuk ditangiskan,
tawa untuk dilepaskan,
energi untuk dicurahkan,
ide untuk dipikirkan,
maupun
asa untuk digantungkan.

lantas;
mengapa masih perlu
nyawa untuk diregangkan?

nisbi

when to hit rockbottom, if it is an endless fall?

convenience

we have created a relieving private limbo, where you are the only person that can bring my inner dark wit out and about without worrying for any judgement. and for such a brief moment, being in the limbo makes me feel good about myself.

options

would you rather stay in an illusion of happiness or succumb to the reality that griefs?

gerutu (17)

saya tahu berpisah dengan pekerjaan dan teman-teman kerja itu sulit. terutama jika seumur hidup bekerja di tempat-tempat dengan bom-bom, tembakan-tembakan berlintasan dan penculikan mengintai setiap saat. serta membuat kami tidak sempat hidup 'normal' menjalin pertemanan maupun percintaan dengan khalayak yang lain. tapi, coba pikir lagi, sebenarnya mereka sedih, karena di akhir pesta perpisahan itu mereka harus pulang ke rumah yang kosong dan menyadari bahwa, mereka akan sendirian hingga mati serta tidak bisa kembali ke kantor keesokan harinya untuk sekedar tertawa dan menghindari tuntutan masyarakat sekitar untuk bahagia. yang konon tolok ukurnya adalah bersuami, beristri, beranak, bercucu, bercicit, berteman. bukan ber-uang, bekerja, berkarir, berkolega. dan bahwa kantor inilah alasan bahwa mereka terlalu sibuk untuk meluangkan waktu untuk berburu sesama manusia demi dijatuhi cinta, dibagi kasih maupun diberi sayang. untuk kemudian bercinta bersama, beranak bersama, bersedih bersama dan berbahagia bersama.

 

sementara bagi kolega-kolega yang ditinggalkan, kami hanya senang karena ada makan-makan gratis dan jam makan siang yang lebih lama untuk hahahihi. siapa peduli mereka akan melakukan apa di kehidupan pasca kantor. berapa dari kami yang masih sempat sms atau e-mail mereka yang sudah tidak bekerja lagi di sini?

 

maka, kadang rasanya miris dengan kantor ini yang terlalu peduli dengan pernak-pernik remeh-temeh melankolis yang berhubungan dengan perpisahan kolega dan justru peduli setan dengan hal-hal yang lebih nyata dan seharusnya kami urus. sebagian orang mungkin menganggap kantor ini sangat kekeluargaan dan blahblihbluh karena selalu menyempatkan diri menghura-hurakan mereka yang kontraknya selesai atau pensiun atau diputuskan hubungan kerjanya.

 

silakan panggil saya bangsat tak berhati, tetapi dulu saya bergabung di kantor ini karena saya pikir kami akan lebih fokus mengentaskan masalah pelik masyarakat rentan di negara-negara kacrut macam negara ini. bukan mengumpulkan prakarya dan scrapbook memorabilia untuk perpisahan seorang kolega. seandainya usaha yang mereka lakukan dan waktu yang mereka luangkan untuk perpisahan sebesar usaha mereka untuk melakukan mandat, visi dan misi kantor ini, saya yakin dunia akan sedikit lebih indah. pekerjaan sayapun akan lebih mudah.

 

and as for farewell, buat saya akan lebih berkesan private lunch/dinner dengan kolega yang paling dekat, daripada dengan seluruh kantor yang pasti pernah saling berujar busuk di belakang punggung. but then again, dengan kolega yang paling dekat, tentu bukan perpisahan, karena, toh, masih akan sering berkirim sms.

wishlist (8)

so, yes. i said goodbye. sort of. and said hello. i hope with all this shit i went through just for you, will at least gain me some happy. although i won't exactly bet on it.

 

here goes nothing.

gerutu (16)

jika negara-negara penandatangan dan peratifikasi konvensi jenewa yang diwajibkan berkontribusi kepada organisasi kami ini tahu bahwa uang sumbangan negara-negara mereka alih-alih dihamburkan untuk melaksanakan program untuk kemaslahatan masyarakat di negara-negara dan daerah-daerah yang rentan dengan kekerasan; malah digunakan untuk membeli kompor modena seharga tujuh juta per buah dan kami membelinya untuk rumah-rumah tinggal para ekspatriat di organisasi kami di sini hanya karena seorang ekspatriat tidak punya pengetahuan dasar tentang bagaimana menangani kompor dengan baik dan nyaris meledakkan sebuah apartemen, bagaimana perasaan mereka, ya?

 

semua orang memanggul salibnya masing-masing. tetapi kadang, salib yang mereka panggul terbuat dari plastik. atau bahkan angin.

just another awesomeness

entah kenapa sudah tiga hari ini menyenandungkan lagu boys ii men yang the girl in the life magazine terus-terusan. lalu kemarin tiba-tiba teringat majalah life yang sempat terbaca di periplus adi sucipto bulan februari lalu. ada bagian foto-foto repro profesional dari foto-foto profil di myspace. orang-orang itu difoto ulang oleh fotografer profesional dengan pose ala myspace mereka. a pose that was once captured as is with average camera phone is redone with sophisticated techniques and tools. sebuah khayalan yang sudah lama ada di otak saya. ternyata dipikirkan juga oleh orang lain. i just wished di antara foto-foto itu ada foto adiknya liv tyler yang plus size model, saya lupa namanya. dia punya myspace juga.

mcgalauver

bahkan mcgyver pun pernah ingin resign dari pekerjaannya.

pragmatis

selama hampir lima tahun bekerja di tempat ini, baru sekaranglah minggu tersibukku. tapi, mungkin hanya semata-mata karena bekerja di kantor terbatasi waktu. biar bagaimanapun jiwa sejatiku tetap di lapangan. di mana hampir semua hal bisa di-free style dan kemampuan improvisasi menjadi kunci. serta masalah sejati bersarang. di kantor, sepertinya semua hal adalah maya. tak tersentuh. sukar teraba. rumit dicerna. capekpun datang seolah tanpa sebab. bagai tendangan tanpa bayangan. atau kentut bau tanpa suara.

silent. but, deadly. hati-hati berdiam terlalu lama di kantor. bisa mati muda. ingat kurt, janis, jimmy. hanya gie yang matinya di alam bebas.

since i joined the cult

this is how i feel:

 

us

is tori amos' sleeps with the butterflies.

note to self (23) and wishlist (8)

i wished i could undo your life choices. when i said di atas langit masih ada langit, i do not actually believe that i knew another person dearly in my life that have problems bigger than yours. nor could i think of other problems worse than the ones you are facing or will face later. everybody carries his/her own cross, but yours is probably the heaviest. i do not know how the universe will untangle this one for you. and i cannot make sure that it will, at least maybe not soon, but i am just glad that you are still with us today.

best advice today

stove no mistake. nobody person is perfect.

-mbak atin, upon tragedi kompor meleduk-

just scumbag fate

even if your efforts go unnoticed, you've returned some of that good energy to the universe

wishlist (7)

just want a painless death and unburdened life. not necessarily have to be later.

nearly invisible

if ever there were a point in life that one could feel like a dot, i think for me, it would be now.

problems of the world #4

mengusahakan kebahagiaan.

 

how?

forever alone

that one particular text, that you wished you could take back because you knew it ruin whatever you have built bit by bit hoping you would not jinx it, but then screwed anyway. some people are just too socially awkward that not only they would trample every single glass they walk by or spill the soup they meant to sip, but also literally wreck every single human interaction, especially the romantic one, unintentionally.

and yours truly is only one of them. really. no matter how i try, and i tried hard, i could never ever master this thing called 'romance'. it is really one of life sciences i do not even know how to begin. cases are different all the time. variables are sometimes different, but at times could be repeated. the formula can be the same, but sometimes different, and is often modified and customed to fit the needs. yet, the result is always the same. epic fail. every. single. time.

i think giving up is the only logical probability.

growing (m)old.. like a boss..

or any schools or jobs you want.. and stay a loser as is..

wishlist (6)

sepertinya memang hanya saya yang berusaha, maka wajar jika saya merasa lelah. apabila itu benar, lebih baik saya mundur teratur. rasanya sudah berkian-kian kali saya menjadi the reacher. saya ingin kembali bisa tidur nyenyak tanpa terbangun pukul dua pagi dan terus terjaga hingga pukul delapan malam. sekali ini saja, saya ingin jadi the settler.

the hangover

well, sir. we are not jack and rose. and we were not on the great titanic ship. it was the kitchen at the hospital where you work. and i am glad you decided to lose that mohawk. i like you better clean shaved crew cut. but, there were too many people that it was impossible to not be obvious. you don't have to squeeze my hand that hard to tell me you were glad i was back alive. i was not going to die just because we got on one of the craziest mud track. so, even though i too want to hold your hand a little longer if not forever, awkward laughs seemed more appropriate. and thank you to remember my birthday. you were the first one who greet me in person. that is always a nice surprise. i will deal with the awful feelings later.

despair

life experience kills my dreams and desire to dream.

revelation

one of those time when you realized you are a day away from the last year of your prime year and you have not really achieved anything that can make that happy feelings last for not even more than six days. not even a week old happiness. why is it that hard for some people to stay optimist?

come at me, bro!

most people hate my guts at the arena. checked.

pricks like a thorn #3

he told her that he does not want to serve in afghanistan. but, the economy was that bad that choosing college over the deployment would probably burdened his parents more. besides, his two or four other friends went too. he was only either eight or nineteen when he enrolled. he thought it would probably be cool, with the guns and high utility vehicles he had only seen on playstation. he did not really think about stress. or mental breakdown. he had never been in touch with weeds before. the deployment had made him 420 friendly, whenever he went home for holiday. or when he was there. he could not explain it to her what or how depressing being there was. there were hardly any women who would come near them. at least not emotionally. either they were scarred of them being a soldier that could die anytime. or those women were afraid that they would carry incurable monsters home. both are the things even he could not dare to swear upon his mother's life that he wouldn't do. he thought he is still the same guy who loves rock and hardcore music. he still longed to ride his skateboard to vent. but, who could guarantee that he will not flip someday when hearing a gun-shot like sound? or if he would have nightmares about a raid by the talebans even if until now he never had to face things as such. and he saw many of his friends were divorced while they were there. some have small children when it happened. getting drunk was maybe the safest option to get through all the pain, although not really the smartest. being high is never the best way to win one's heart, moreover after being away for a long period of time. he knew that. yet, it does not stop him from smoking pot.

he paused and felt discomfort when she told him about the rampage shooting by an american soldier towards civillians she read on the news. he did not really want to defend that guy for what he did is wrong. still, he fully understood the kind of stress that man may have undergone. all he could say to her was; he hoped god protect him all the way.

he wished his bluntness do not scare her. but it has been a week since the last time she contacted him.

by the way's (12)

a colleague at work showed me an animation video on youtube. it's called alma. didn't really know from which production house, or which country. the story was very similar to a manga i read long time ago. it was about a kid who is curious about a doll in a toy store because it looks very much like him. little did he know that he would regret his 'luck' when he finally managed to break into the store. short story shorter, he was trapped in the store, as a doll.

sounds like hitchcock or poe? i frankly don't know which one is the original idea. if i'm not mistaken, the manga i read was either the tales from the darkside series or the serial misteri from elexmedia komputindo.

do tell, if you recognize the story.

playing socrates

mengapa masih perlu resah, jika semua bisa di-google?

muak

entah kenapa, seiring dengan terlalu lamanya berada di pekerjaan ini, cerita-cerita heroik dari ekspatriat sudah tidak terdengar menakjubkan lagi. terjebak di lumpur setinggi jendela mobil bergardan ganda, beradu pendapat dengan tentara, diculik pemberontak, digeledah polisi atau menyaksikan pengeboman hanya terdengar seperti sebuah bahan untuk menulis gerutu di blog.

 

sudah tidak cinta lagi, atau sudah putus asa, entah lah.

lunatic from the gracious days

my bestfriend showed me a link on youtube of kings of convenience singing waiting in vain. and i went to sleep reciting annie lennox's eurythmic voice in my head chanting 'from the very first time i lay my eyes on you, boy.. tears in my eyes burn.. tears in my eyes burn.. while i'm waiting.. while i'm waiting..'

maybe my subconscious will always be lost in the 90's. if i were to go senile, i would want my memory to stuck in the 90's. when music peaks at its best. where wit came in too great lyrical phrases. desire. despair. desire. so. many monsters.

cliché but very much true

if you lose your purpose.. it's like you're broken..

 

hugo cabret to isabelle – scorsese's hugo

drunk

a bag of cheezels and a strawberry flavored soy milk. no, it was not an attempt of deconstructing a healthy diet. or a form of protest upon some repressed emotions. it was just a break from unsought opposed ambitions. because she was never hip or trendy enough to ever like zooey deschanel. nor is she talented enough or having anything to say outloud like the folks at tedtalks. she has always been and will always be a person difficult to get with multiple issues anatomically, socially, psychologically and everything-ally. yes. she is as confusing and unpredicted as a bag of cheezels and a strawberry flavored soy milk. she hates, well, used to hate, soy milk, maybe as much as friends with benefits. but she still roots for aaron and riley. they should be the lead casts instead of ben and sara. either way the series sucked. even mardi gras looked boring with them in it.

 

anyway..

blackeyed

tuhan, seringkali aku setegar karang. tapi kadang, aku serapuh papan dari serbuk kayu. dan mungkin hari ini bukan saatku menjadi sebongkah karang. why does it not kill me, when it obviously does not make me stronger?

dead end

between jobs, family, love, friends and health, not neccessarily in that order, i see none of which where it is not stuck.

bailing out

when happiness is no longer a goal in life and not being happy does not matter, would living be neccessary?

deep-pressed

is it bipolar too more than often to occassionally feel like there is no reason for living anymore? or is it just a hint of neglected depression?

been

dissed. ditched. dumped. ducked.

pricks like a thorn #2

well, snowboarding is cool. and she enjoyed telling him jokes that can make him laugh. but she does not really look for a hook up with a boy. of course he is older than her and she knows that boys will always be boys. but, she is sort of fed up with trying to be the wiser one. because she is not. she wants to act like any girl her age. she does not want to nurture. she wants to be taken care of. she no longer wants to be the one who is responsible of everything. she wants to be any reckless twentyeight year old. she is tired to be the one with the sensible mind. she wants to be one of those kawaii cute girls. who only care about straightening or dyeing their hair. or paint their nails in the shape of watermelon. whom boys will love anyway. who can just giggle and being dumb and boys would still hover around them. but most of all, she thought about how living in helsinki would be a whole new hell for her. she is allergic to cold weather. and to be with a guy who snowboards, means a constant torture. she was not sure that is what she wants.

mumsies

i have always been afraid of losing her. every single day. i have never thought that her superpower could wear out. i thought that she is invincible. now i know how he must have felt. his is older than 85. mine is 64. they are supposed to last forever. to kiss our (and their own) war wounds away painlessly. not leave incurable cuts. or be beaten by cancer or high blood pressure. because they are wingless angels made of something harder than steel, softer than silk, stronger than hulk and definitely smarter than einstein.

are they not?

wishlist (5)

tuhan, kalau masih boleh minta, aku tidak ingin diberi barang bekas. walaupun masih bagus. karena aku ingin hidup yang sederhana dan lebih tidak rumit. barang pernah pakai mungkin perlu perawatan ekstra. aku tidak yakin sanggup memeliharanya. meskipun ragu, rentang usia sepuluh sampai dua belas tahun menurutku masih berterima, walaupun mungkin banyak pijakan dan layar yang perlu diselaraskan pelan-pelan dan dengan kepala santai yang terbuka. tapi, kalau boleh, aku tidak hanya ingin berbunga-bunga dan terlambung ke udara, lupa mendarat lagi ke tanah karena terlalu lama tidak terbisik hujan. aku lebih ingin merasa senyaman ketika ibuku yang lugu dan tidak mengerti apa itu jus ad bellum atau jus in bello, namun tetap mampu menentramkan peperangan yang berkelebatan di hidupku. baik di kala hujan maupun ketika matahari bersinar cerah. aku ingin bercerita kepadanya semudah dan sepolos ceritaku kepada ibuku, dan kadang ayahku. aku tidak ingin merasa takut tentang dia, kecuali ketika aku terpaksa melepaskannya untukmu.

aku tidak tahu apakah memang ada rasa yang belum ternamai untuk dia. namun jika memang ternyata ada, tolong kabulkan keinginanku ini.

aku masih akan sering datang kepadamu. meski tanpa ritual. terima kasih.

amin.

wishlist (4)

mungkin ini cara tuhan menyentil bahuku, setelah terlalu lama sibuk tanpa peduli dengan kabarnya, maupun perasaannya. tapi, tuhan, jangan ambil kegesitannya dulu, jangan ambil dia sekarang. juga jangan biarkan ia terbebani dengan kami yang terlalu ia sayangi. aku tahu aku tidak akan setegar dia, jika dia pergi. aku lebih kuat menampik tuntutan orang lain terhadap kami, daripada melihatnya berusaha tegar meskipun diam-diam sedih dan tertekan, kasihan terhadap kami yang tidak juga berumahtangga.  

 

jadi, tuhan, berilah dia sedikit ketegaran, kesehatan dan kesabaran, untuk melalui berbagai musim pernikahan yang mungkin tidak akan pernah menjadi sebuah perayaan di keluarga kami.

 

amin.

pricks like a thorn #1

it was a cold noon in helsinki. just like in other cities in the rest of europe. he was walking back from the supermarket carrying groceries in one hand. his other hand was holding his mobile phone. texting a girl she barely knew thousand miles away from where he was. she is a funny girl. she made him laugh couple of times. well, it was his idea to make her telling jokes. and just like ronnie from jersey shore, it was as if she said 'come at me, bro..'. she took the challenge. and was good at it. he did not really know where things are going, heck, he did not even know what time was it where she was. but, he enjoyed her company. she asked what he was doing, and telling her he was making croissant sounded fancier than eating a sandwich. so, that was what he did. sweet-talking a girl is what he does best. he wondered what would she think of him. because she sounded so cool traveling to remote areas as a living. at least compared to him snowboarding. who doesn't snowboard in scandinavia? and just like a glacier suddenly comes up in the mountain slope, she stopped texting him after he told her he snowboards. he thought snowboarding was cool.

of peacock and rainbow

in case one day you accidentally come across this blog, since you came to our place, you become the reason i dress better recently. i know i can like you just like i like your predecessor. although i disapprove the blue shirt and khaki trousers. always. and as a gay italian -which does not reflect in your masculine german name-, with shoes to match every outfit every other day of the week, you should know better.

so, yes, we're not marc jacobs or alexander mcqueen, but now that i think about it, being nicely dressed does bring good feelings.

thank you.

sendiri sebentar lagi

nanti, kalau i memutuskan untuk tidak cepat-cepat pulang dari eropa, w berangkat ke amerika untuk kuliah dan tinggal di sana selama dua tahun dan mungkin tidak ingin cepat-cepat pulang juga, lalu u tidak juga dapat pekerjaan dan terpaksa tinggal kembali dengan orangtuanya di banyuwangi atau kakaknya di mojokerto, dan r yang sengaja menenggelamkan diri dalam pekerjaannya di subang meneliti tikus-tikus, atau m yang hanya available setelah gajian atau orangtuanya sehat atau sedang tidak kumat darah tingginya, serta l selalu sibuk bepergian untuk senang-senang;

 

aku main dengan siapa?

plong

seperti akhirnya bersin, setelah hidung gatal. atau bertemu toilet setelah menahan b.a.b.

yeah. i missed that.

when your plow is pencil

in some countries it would be wise to know what property value more, so you will know what and what not to hit.

 

i was talking nonsense with a colleague about our other colleague who just got an accident and broke his arm after hitting a herd of cows in an empty road to indonesia and papua new guinea border. he hit one of the six cows and the cow is dead. he was going 100 kms/hour with a motorcycle at that time.

 

i felt sorry because i know him a bit too well, but i also could not help not to laugh. mostly because in papua, people say that if you hit a living thing, the owner will ask you for money based on how many udders that being has. so, hitting a human is cheaper than hitting a pig. but hitting a pig is more expensive than any other animals, because it is a valuable property that worth more than, say, a house. and hitting female pig is worse because it is considered as a source of trustfund for its ability to breed piglets. therefore hitting a pig which is pregnant could be the worst, because not only we have to pay for the pig but also for its dead unborn piglets.

 

then an expat colleague joined the conversation. she said that in bosnia, in some particular area, people grow plums to make slivovitsa (plum brandy). then there was this one time when an expat was heading for a meeting in a village where the roads were slippery. at some point, it was so slippery that he could not control the vehicle that he had to choose to either hit a goat or hit a tree. he tried so hard to avoid the goat then finally hit a tree. the owner of the house came out and scolded him for hitting his tree. it was a plum tree with lots of plums on it. the expat tried to explain that he did not want to kill the goat. the owner said he doesn't care about the goat, it took him ten years to grow the plum, and when it was finally grow fruits an expat hit it. the expat had to pay something equal to a hundred euros today. that was a lot of money, considering it was back then in circa 99. but the funniest (or rather unfortunate for the expat) was when he was back to the office, the administrator told him that since it was the expat's mistake to not being able to control the vehicle, he had to fix the car, pay the farmer and not allowed to drive the company's car anymore. all in a day's work.

 

so, yes, cultural briefing is important.

raja gombal

if you say my eyes are beautiful, it's because they're looking at you..

if you wonder why i'm smiling, it's because i'm happy with you..

if you say my eyes are beautiful, it's because i love you so..

 

-jermaine jackson feat. whitney houston-

houston, we got a problem!

why am i mourning whitney more than when it happened to michael?

by the way's (11)

wonder whether it is really weird that as i girl i often fell asleep watching chick flicks, and more excited watching ryan gosling's drive or fight club or limitless or unknown or the ocean's trilogy. i have only been able to rewatch 3 chick flicks and they are serendipity, the mirror has two faces and never been kissed. because i fall deeply in love and will someday marry michael vartan. i cannot even stick to watching glee or gossip girl or keeping up with the kardashians or lipstick jungle. yet, i feel a part of me is missing when i could not follow dexter or all three of csi or life or talk to me.

and while i cannot finish reading the devil wears prada or shoppaholic's series, i feel the constant longing for rereading orwell's keep the aspisdystras flying and chuck palahniuk's books since snuff. but, i did go through one day until the end and had once felt romanced up by can you keep a secret.

is it normal for a girl to prefer what i preferred? or am i just a snob for having different preferences?

note to self (22)

blog more than what you can chew.

not in the sandbox

so, yes, i enjoyed your company. or rather, i enjoyed accompanying you. for a short while, god finally granted one of my wishes. i literally laughed upon realizing that. god gave me four hours of what i wanted. i know i am no match for your lifestyle, and four hours was such a short time to expect a happy ending. but i really think we clicked as if we had known each other at another life. so, excuse me for being mellow everytime i read our texts. and as much as i know that we will never cross each other's path again, all girls should be a hopeless romantic. at any age.

now i can cross 'you' on my accomplished list.

by the way's (10)

should i get a dog like her? i really love how she smiles after being praised for being obedient. she is only 8 months old and just got her first period. she is easily distracted and takes longer time to understand the dog whisperer's commands. if she were kids, experts would have diagnosed her with adhd. but, she is probably just hot or could not understand the language well. her whisperer should have talked in russian or nordic language. she is not at all scary even with her wolf-like looks. she is playful yet with a firm figure. she is like minerva mcgonagall. and i have always wanted to have a big dog. and have long missed sleeping with pets.

but i'm not sure i could afford 2 millions a month for the first six months of maintenance. or walk her for 10 minutes a day every day. at least not at this stage.

note to self (21)

sebaiknya menyiapkan diri untuk senin dan seminggu yang penuh kekacauan dan kesakithatian. terutama setelah sabtu yang menyenangkan.

there is no try

jangan-jangan saya ini memang spesies aneh. kromosom x dan y saya mungkin jumlahnya tidak pas dan bentuknya jauh dari sempurna. terserahlah, itu, para ahli gender dan para pakar anatomi maupun seksualitas mau adu tonjok, silat lidah, atau tari saman, nyatanya memang saya menikmati, kok, belanja fitting lampu atau keran dan selang di toko bangunan yang panas, becek pun berdebu. saya menyenangi menyusuri koridor demi koridor toko bangunan swalayan maupun toko bangunan engkoh-engkoh di pengkolan ujung kompleks. belajar mengukur ruang dan mengetahui jenis-jenis plafon juga menarik. apalagi mencoba memasang keran air dan mengatasi pompa air yang macet. tidak selincah pak nur si tukang listrik atau pak sugeng sang mandor proyek memang. tapi lumayan menambah pengetahuan. lebih aneh lagi, saya juga tetap suka pekerjaan domestik yang lebih 'perempuan' seperti menyapu, mengepel, mencuci baju, menyetrika atau memasak. saya kurang suka mencuci piring. walaupun, selagi mengerjakan itu semua, saya juga sering ngelantur atau meleng, seperti tadi, misalnya, sedang menyapu halaman tiba-tiba berhenti dan bermain sejenak dengan anjing tetangga dan pelatihnya. atau seperti sekarang, masih punya tanggungan nyuci bak cuci piring dan ngerapiin kamar mandi, malah ngeblog dan sms'an. selain urusan domestik, saya pun nggak keberatan jadi breadwinner alias mencari uang dan bekerja di kantor. saya gemar juga mendesain program, membuat analisa bahkan turun langsung melaksanakan kegiatan. merancang kerangka acuan, rapat, survey, negosiasi dengan mitra sampai ngengkol genset, memodifikasi ruangan kantor menjadi kamar operasi, bebersih losmen, nimba air, berburu, ngusir babi sampai masak semua sudah pernah saya lakukan. masing-masing saya lakukan tanpa terpaksa apalagi menyesal. jika orang bisa biseksual, mungkin saya ini bigender.

maka, saya suka heran jika ada orang yang menolak melakukan sesuatu karena dia merasa bergender a atau bergender b. kalau saya bisa, kenapa orang lain tidak?