long lost locks

if lucifer had a son

that would be you

if that son had a heart

i swear it is not made of dew

note to self (6)

they are so stupid that they do not know the difference between a program and a project.

hence, a miserable life as a mediocre staff who knows more and paid less is officially started.

it is, accordingly, okay to be racist for its every good reason.

kesalehandiri

then you recited corinthians

which verse, i wouldn't know

yet, i responded also in corinthians,

for which i understand by heart:

through men of strange tongues
and through the lips of foreigners
i will speak to this people,
but even then they will not listen to me

i don't do rituals, but i'm religious

maybe not to a religion,

but certainly of god

whatever you may call that one.

proudly, i considered myself married.

rekasaning urip

alkisah pada suatu malam berhujan gerimis tak henti-henti. seorang agen asuransi yang malas membujuk seorang kawan lama untuk menjadi klien. tidak seperti agen asuransi pada umumnya yang royal kepada calon klien. beliau hanya berbekal sekotak tupperware kecil pisang goreng bikinan sendiri. dasar agen tak bertanggungjawab janjian dari siang, baru muncul larut malam. parahnya lagi, pisang goreng yang sedianya untuk merayu si calon klien malah dimakan sendiri.

 

yours truly: eh, tapi, lo jadi agen gini, lo sendiri punya nggak?

teman seperjuangan 1: iya! jangan-jangan lo nawarin gw, tapi lo sendiri nggak punya!

teman seperjuangan 2 (alias si agen): jangan menghina lo! gw punya tiga!

yours truly: wedehhhh, buset, deh! tiga? buat apaan aje?

teman seperjuangan 1: kalo gitu gw ga usah bikin, pake punya lo aja.. hehehehe..

teman seperjuangan 2 (alias si agen): *malu-malu* sebenernya, sih, gw terpaksa punya tiga gini untuk menuhin target. biar nggak dikick jadi agen.

yours truly dan teman seperjuangan 1: huahahahahahahahahahahaha..

collected souls

i remember that day when you drove me to the airport i asked you, 'how old are you, anyway?' you laughed and said, 'still old enough to join the army?' and we laughed. mostly i actually laughed at the way you feel about being indonesian. i remember you were wearing this dark-blue t-shirt with a picture of our country's symbol, pancasila, that day. yes you do have the posture of a paskibra. you also have all those skills i never knew how on earth do you get the time to learn them. thus, you may have a shot at joining the force. so, then i asked again, 'why the army?' and you answered, 'i don't know, it's cool.' and i smiled. of course. boys and guns. boys and bullets. boys and wars. and tanks. and airplanes. i grew up with one. you should meet him. and the rest. you'll get along just fine.

 

still, being me, grown-up-like, which was probably why you cling on to me at the first place, i tend to judge those young men too caught up with their slow-mo arses and not get their act together and go to school. thus, i was utterly sober when i asked you, 'why don't you go to college?' i risked asking it, when i knew the answer would be about money and things that entailed money.

 

you never answered. you were busy with that bloody cigarette. you turned down the volume. there's nothing left here to mature, i long to find a messenger whispered to our ears. 'why don’t you become a civil servant? i think lately there had been a lot of openings. or be a teacher! yes. i know. be a teacher. here i'm sure teachers are badly needed.' you smiled and mildly punched the steer. 'that's the least thing on my mind.' i looked at you, 'why? it's like the most noble job ever. well, if you don't go around abusing your students. still, it's noble. and at your age, you could easily become a civil servant just by being a teacher in a remote area.' you looked at me and smoked the cigarette on your hand, 'teachers never outsmart their students. their students will somehow turn up into doctors, lawyers, accountants, engineers, pilots whatever. but teachers will always be teachers. never more.' okay. i guess i was shocked. i always know that. i just didn’t expect it to come out of your mouth. your mouth. you're just like what? not even born in the 80's? or never even read anything?

 

'okay, at least think about the retirement fund?' i said at last. 'in that sense, i'd rather join the army,' you responded.

 

we then both became silent. i texted a friend. about the conversation we just had. you paid attention to the road, while turning up the volume. is there a cure among us. from this processed sanity. i weaken with each voice that sings. in this world of purchase. i'm going to buy back memories. to awaken some old qualities.

 

'okay. we're here. thanks for dropping me here,' i said. 'what do you mean? did you not hear me yesterday? i'm taking you to the airport. i'm going to wait with you until the plane takes off. come on!' then you went to fetch my not so heavy black backpack.

 

have i got a long way to run? yeah, i run.

i care not with humanity or any other good virtues, because:

to own a house then furnish it is my only reason for living

maybe, it's not just that he's just not that into you

a broken hearted friend told me, what happened with ben affleck and jennifer aniston in he's just not that into you happens to real people. i said what real people? it's a hollywood made believe fad. a non believer of the marital institution will not change his/her mind about marriage just because his/her girlfriend left him/her. at least not within couple of months. and just because a person slapped you with a harsh truth that someone is sometimes unappealing to others, doesn't mean that s/he is afraid of love or loving and you then can accuse him/her of so then realize that you are falling for each other.

 

what happen to real people is this. she started a relationship with somebody who gave her his whole life whom she does not actually have any feeling for. because she believes that romantic or any relationship is a commitment anyone can make as long as everyone puts enough effort to make it happen. and because he got along with everybody. even the difficult brother she was sure will never get along with any of her boyfriend. and because he is a marriage material. that will put the brightest smile to the ones most important in her life. her parents. especially the mom. then the relationship lasted for four years until it was time to getting married. god knows how hard she tried to put up with things. she does not really love him. but settled with what she had in front of her. she never refused. she never said she does not want to get married to him. or anyone else for that matter. but maybe it was true that action speaks louder than words. even the faintest gesture was readable. so, he left her. to find another woman. who is ready to get married and maybe really loves him. many months after, she was still left wondering. what went wrong. did she not really put enough effort. was she not the one who actually had the right to leave him. and not the other way around. she never finds the answer. until now. but does she wallow and whine about it? who cares? suck it. shit happens. even after you wasted four years for nothing.

 

now, why don't you make a movie about it?