compromised

there is not a problem in this world that alcohol cannot solve.

effort

spare an ear.

free some mind.

save a heart.

the way of the world

everybody snores, burps and farts. at different frequency. i just do not have the difficulty to admit it. or the need to judge other people based on how they snore, burp and/or fart. thus, the rest of the world should not either. gas is gas. there should be no further implication or complication.

one snores, burps and farts. metaphoricallessly.

schroedinger's cat

does not really apply for an aspiring engineer with a crazy hot body who seems to be horny all the time, or a freshly graduated engineer who has nothing to do other than watching serials, or a graduate engineer with unnoticed untreated mild ocd who is afraid of dogs. or anyone.

so, if the cat is alive, it can bite me.

the ogreself

i can always relate to bruce banner's or logan's alterego. our lonesome nature is often mistaken as monster. only because we are born with icky colors, scary features and gruesome manners. people stay away to avoid future difficulties. they assume we were not born with brains or hearts. we are after all people's worst nightmare. but really, we are just being us and never planning on bothering thee.

preferrence

i just want to go home. to be with my housemates. the ones i want to be with. them who want to be with me. not here where i rather feel nothing. maybe cooking. or eating. just chitchatting. about everything. from boys and family. from happy to the most annoyings. maybe sleeping. or reading. browsing. enjoying. dvds. books. movies. musics. food. statuses and tweets. anything but going. because being here is getting more and more irritating. i feel like i am more and more close to vanishing.

i love cats

emotionless animals for emotionless people.

achievements

no prospective career, scholarship, or significant other.
but, we managed to install the stove to the gas and the tv to the dvd. by ourselves.

positive

like so many happiness in my life that wears out easily, i can just tell that you will soon be over too.

gleetney

the whitney houston episode on glee is definitely my favorite gleepisode. i can even love the gayest gay it's not right but it's okay by blaine. and kurt response of i have nothing is just awwww. especially to see the green blaine all teary eyed. it is cheesy yes. but cheese is afterall my most favorite thing in this world. and of course, although i was kind of disappointed that they did not do my most favorite whitney song, where do broken hearts go, how will i know is like a wake up call for me. i absolutely love glee's version of it.

 

longing

rasanya bosan bertanya kepada diri sendiri kapan kondisi keuangan ini akan pulih.

sundays best

i could not wait until the weekends where we could just listen to augustana taking us to different places through their songs. boston. california. los angeles. the stars. the boulevards. even the wasteland. just me and you. together. without moving our lazy arses.

proyek

sayangnya, aku tidak bisa membantu tentang kemampuan programmingmu yang lemah. aku buta tentang teknologi dan permesinan. namun, pelan-pelan, nanti kau kuajari banyak hal yang lain. sama-sama kita perbaiki tata bahasamu. selera filmmu akan bertambah, setelah nanti kita sama-sama menonton birdcage, vertigo, if, frankie and johnnie dan all the president's men. aku pasti akan mengajakmu menonton dexter dan will and grace. jangan takut dengan homoseksualitas. itu pilihan mereka, kita tidak berhak menghakimi. tahukah kamu bahwa pemeran sheldon cooper adalah seorang homoseksual? ah! jangan lupa, the big bang theory juga. serial favorit kita. bukan hanya itu, akan kuperkenalkan kepadamu queen dan beberapa band rock alternatif yang kusuka. eh, aku suka dangdut juga, sih. kau juga nanti suka. kau tidak perlu menyukai mereka juga, tapi setidaknya kau akan tahu banyak hal menarik di hidup ini. jangan kaget dengan buku-buku yang kubaca, aku selalu tertarik tentang sosialisme, komunisme, sejarah dan agama. tetapi, koleksi manga dan komikku juga cukup banyak, kok. oh, dan aku cinta mati dengan serial harry potter. tujuh buku itu sudah kubaca berkali-kali dan aku masih akan membacanya lagi, berkali-kali lagi. sambil mengudap, tentu. hmmm. makanan apa yang kira-kira bisa berdamai dengan lidah medokmu? perasamu terlalu terikat dengan masakan ibumu. tenang saja. aku malah senang. hidup akan menjadi lebih menantang.

semoga kau siap bertualang rasa denganku.

ramai

suara motor yang digas kencang-kencang masih terdengar. mereka yang bergegas-gegas pulang, letih bermalammingguan. hampir pagi di sini. lebih dari dua jam yang lalu aku terbangun. di kepalaku suara rihanna mendengungkan we found love in a hopeless place. suara kipas angin seolah menjadi mixer yang melatari suara di kepalaku dengan musik-musik diskotik lagu-lagu masa kini. gegap gempita. kau di mana. sedang apa. ah, aku seperti sammy simorangkir. tadi kita sedang bercanda tentang pernikahan. sebelum kau pergi untuk makan malam. sebelum aku tertidur kebosanan menunggumu. kau yakin sekali tentang menikah. membuatku jadi tak ragu untuk mengimpor ibu-ibu kita agar kita tak kelaparan, jika nanti kita menikah. aku tak ingin kau cepat mati karena memakan masakanku. kalau kau mati, siapa yang kuajak bertengkar tentang hal sepele seperti film cinta kacangan yang kau tonton kemarin malam. atau kebiasaanku tertidur di tengah percakapan. kau bukan orang pertama yang memarahiku karena itu. mantan teman sekamarku pernah mendiamkanku karena aku tertidur di tengah sesi curhatnya. hanya ada satu orang yang tidak marah ketika aku tertidur, kolegaku di kantor yang pernah kutinggal tidur di mobil ketika ia sedang bicara. ini itu bermunculan di kepalaku. banyak hal di pikiranku beberapa hari ini. tapi saat ini, aku hanya ingin melihat icon hijau itu muncul di pojok kiri atas layar teleponku. atau setidaknya melihat huruf D di awal pesanku berubah menjadi R. secepatnya.

tega

belum lagi genap tigapuluh jam sejak aku menutup mulutku, kau sudah membuatku menangis.

uncanny

gulliver mcgrath. joseph gordon levitt. edward norton. they should someday play a movie together. either as a same person from different generation/ era. mcgrath can be a younger version of norton; while levitt can play as teen/young adult norton. or as relatives. mcgrath and levitt could pose as norton's kids.

satu empat tiga

kata-kata itu keluar begitu saja. sesaat sebelum dirimu berangkat untuk menunaikan shalat jumat bersama kakakmu. katamu kau bahagia mendengarnya. ya. kau sudah terlebih dahulu mengucapkannya. berkali-kali. tentu kau ingin juga mendengarku mengucapkannya. entah apa yang mendorongku untuk mengucapkannya. bahwa kau muslim dan rajin sembahyang. atau jambul musangmu yang klimis dan selalu membuatku geli. mungkin juga bisep di kedua lenganmu yang putih dan kurus. barangkali foto-fotomu yang sok keren menyilaukan mataku. atau bisa jadi kesediaanmu untuk menerimaku beserta semua borok-borokku. yang kadang membuatku khawatir bahwa kau hanyalah orang aneh dengan sejuta perilaku menyimpang karena mampu melihat banyak hal tentangku yang tak bisa kulihat. tapi ini baru awal. aku belum tahu apakah aku mampu melihat dan menerimamu lebih dari sekedar tata bahasamu yang acak-acakan, aksen bicaramu yang sangat dusun dan kental, usiamu, etnismu, stereotipe tentang etnismu, pandanganmu dan banyak lagi lainnya. dan kau perlu mencari pekerjaan yang lebih mapan. namun, yang lebih penting lagi, aku berharap aku mengatakannya bukan karena dia meninggalkanku untuk selamanya.

dimmed

for the time being, this lightless room is enough to witness my grief. the urge to interact with other beings have ceased. i long to crawl inside the wardrobe and stay there for eternity. but, what will happen on monday, when shit strikes and i have to be there; while you are no longer there at the end of the day consolling me with your weird sense of humor. would i still have some smile to put on? and what do i do with this ache i feel in the middle of my chest? i do not really care anymore with all human errands, since you left. if anything, i learn to put out dreams once again.

sampahati

tuhan yang baik, rasanya hari ini dadaku kembali nyeri. dia benar-benar pergi dari hidupku. ternyata, dia tidak pernah jadi milikku. lupakan will dan skylar. apalagi josette dan barnabas. kami bukan dan tidak pernah jadi 'sesuatu'. entah bagaimana caranya ikhlas dan pasrah, aku sudah menyerah. aku ingin mengutukmu karena banyak hal, dan terutama karena merenggangkan genggamanku kepada sejuta mimpi tentang dia. dan banyak hal lainnya. aku tidak tahu lagi apa yang kau mau dariku. hidupku hanya odong-odong karatan buatmu. seperti angelique, kau gerus satu persatu semua hal yang kuinginkan. kau tentu ingat ia yang mengajarkanku untuk selalu berprasangka baik kepadamu. kau pun menjauhkannya dariku. kau ingin aku cinta hanya kepadamu lebih dari segalanya? aku bukan biarawati. aku tidak bisa menikah dan setia dengan tuhan. apalagi tuhan yang baik sepertimu. sekarang terserahlah kau mau apa dengan hidupku. aku sudah tidak punya lagi keinginan. toh seperti pacar pencemburu, kau rampas setiap hal yang kumau. kau hancurkan berhala lain agar aku selalu kembali berpaling kepadamu. tapi, tuhan yang baik, tentu kau juga tahu, aku dan banyak yang lain berpaling kepadamu karena takut kepada murkamu, yang seperti wanita perawan tua pembenci laki-laki yang akan menstruasi. kalau tidak, kau tidak akan menciptakan lahar api neraka di mana setiap kami akan berenang di dalamnya karena apapun yang kami lakukan selalu saja tidak mengena di hatimu, dan oleh karenanya berhak atas setidaknya sekali berkubang di kolam lahar api ciptaanmu itu. tuhan yang baik, ajarkan aku mencintaimu tanpa ketakutan.

topeng

susah menahan air mata untuk tetap bersembunyi di kelenjarnya. kadang hidup sedemikian tidak bersahabatnya. tetapi semua orang terlanjur mengenalmu sebagai ia yang senantiasa menertawakan derita dan tersenyum pada luka. jika kau berhenti ceria, semua bahagia di dunia akan sirna.

resort

i never want to be a smoker;

but, i am considering to convert as an alcoholic.

fuck it

i want to give my middle finger from both hands to the world

but the world give a rat ass at me for giving it the finger

unwholywood

we were supposed to be like skylar and will. but, you gave up on me too fast. or, i was just never a skylar to you. even though you are always a will to me.

embodiment

i would really love to brush you off of me. you are rather annoying. but, i quickly remembered, that with him, i am probably you. or similar at least. and my heart would (or maybe it has broken) break in gazillion little pieces if he brushes me off. so, like a pokemon master, i am keeping you. until you are bored with me.

cadangan

rindumu hanya berlaku jika kau perlu sesuatu.

softboard

banyak pertanyaan yang pasti ingin kuajukan jika nanti aku bertemu tuhan. misalnya, apa mukaku ini mirip papan informasi? karena, dari nenek-nenek portugis di bandara frankfurt yang akan menuju adelaide pada pukul dua dinihari hingga bapak-bapak berkumis dalam mobil suzuki carry di tengah deras hujan sialan di melawai hari selasa kemarin, sepertinya melihatku seperti melihat petugas tourist information centre.

on duty

i really am not in the mood to go for this wedding back home. but i have bought new shoes that he said pricey but looked nice on my feet. where else would i wear it if not at weddings?

 

i hope am allowed to bring my mobile phone and that there is mobile internet coverage at the venue. or at least all of these instant free messaging thing work well. or i can just shoot myself for being in a place where i only recognize around twenty people max.

 

oh. i am fucked.

jinxed

i guess you are not coming back. it is already may and i have yet spoken to you again. life would be simpler if we never knew each other. and i want no complication in mine. funny how the universe sort of taking care of that for me. now i need to pack. getting rid of these junk i took out from the old dusty boxes when life sort of crossed our paths to one and another. i don't think i will ever need them again. i am tired of keeping that boxes with me all the time, when what is in it have never been used longer than what i would have wanted. unpacking it is an exhausting work. it is like going to europe in winter for just three days. too much fuss for such a short time. like an earthquake drill, it is not a false alarm, just was not real tragedy.

you don't like panda and rollingstones,

but, i like you.. :3

is in

one of those days when one is apt to only snow patrol's songs..

and they give nothing but miserable and lazy mood..

live to rise

an epic comeback after 15 years. pleased to see you again, soundgarden!

sia-sia

setahun. sepuluh tahun. seratus tahun. seribu tahun bertahan pun, tidak akan ada bedanya.
semoga alam semesta tidak bersekongkol untuk menahanku lebih lama di sini.

still

that door was blocked for various reason. to avoid monsters coming in was one of them. to let fear escape was hence another. yet, somehow the key found its way to its hole. now it is opened again. and everything that i have imagined to see was all there. one never knew until it is too late.

i wished i had not won this bet. but i rarely lost in betting nightmares.

whiteflag

a guy would do anything to get laid.
a girl would do everything to feel loved.

and i would rather sleep until the apocalypse.

masih

di mana lokasi distribusi rasa optimis? aku ingin ke sana. aku ingin mendaftar menjadi salah satu penerima manfaatnya. dan menukarkan rasa optimis yang mudah menguap ini dengan yang lebih hebat daya lekatnya.

samaran

jika tidak pergi, banyak orang akan marah. kata mereka, keluarga itu yang terpenting. ini adalah momen terpenting di keluarga mereka. keluarga mereka adalah keluargamu juga. tapi, sejujurnya, aku sedang tidak ingin kemanapun. bukan saja karena uang tabunganku sedang tipis, licin tandas, tetapi juga karena banyak hal lain. aku sedang tidak ingin berada di keramaian, berjumpa dengan terlalu banyak wajah, yang sembilan puluh lima persennya tidak kukenal. aku sedang ingin egois, cuti sebentar saja dari selalu menyenangkan orang lain, dari setiap saat tidak ingin menyakiti hati banyak orang. aku perlu waktu sejenak untuk memulihkan topeng baik dan sabar yang sudah mulai memudar dan terkelupas di sana-sini ini. tapi, jika tidak pergi, banyak orang yang akan marah. sedih. dan tersinggung. semua boleh marah, sedih dan tersinggung. aku tidak.

semoga topeng ini masih kuat untuk dipakai sedikit lagi.

on hold

you could be happy i hope you are. you made me happier than i'd been by far.

somehow everything i own smells of you and for the tiniest moment it's all not true.

 

if anything, you make me recite this snowpatrol song in hope that you will be back sooner than soon.

 

is it too late to remind you how we were?

 

will you be coming back?

gerutu (18)

here is what happened to one of my colleagues in india. she is very pretty. and very smart. she is a professional in the human resources department. she knows what she is doing and never afraid to speak her mind. strategically, of course.

 

one day, she was sent for a training at the headquarter. then, when she got back to india, the bigboss in india, told her to resign. everybody who knew this matter, assume that her so called direct supervisor may envy her skills and experience in human resources. he has never been called to the headquarter to attend such training. he was probably offended why they sent her not him.

 

it is not her fault that the organization told her to go. every travel abroad and within any country is under the consent of the bigboss. if she went, then the bigboss must approve. she will not under any circumstances be allowed for travel anywhere, if her travel request is denied.

 

now she is trying to bring this matter to the court. i hope there is still justice in india. i do not have degree in law, but any fool can see that legally she could win this case, given no 'monkey-business' is played under the table.

 

in a smaller and much more related context, i hope my direct supervisor who always speaks highly of him, because they were friends back in sudan, realize that she is not one of the best judges of characters. not badmouthing should never mean you speak falsely of a person. when you do not know well a person, simply say that you know him/her, but not more than just that. or just stay quiet. and that his girlfriend who is our administrator here in jakarta, who often act meangirls to us, national staffs, at the delegation, can make peace with herself, feel better about herself, grow up, start to get herself together and be professional. it is okay to not know everything about anything. no body appreciates a know-it-all. especially those who pretend to know it all.

 

to a further extent, i hope that the short-minded caucasians can start to learn to be more objective and putting things in perspective. i hope they can start to realize that there is no need to feel threatened by the bright minds of asians and africans. i cannot speak on behalf of africans; but, we, asians, most of us at least, have manners and believe in karma. we believe that what we get is what we give in return.

 

no greater good is ever yielded upon the seven sins.

mr. fahrenheit

i got slightly cheerful everytime i hear freddie mercury chants don't stop me now.

consequent

all that was my effort of being nice to people. but it only take a humiliating public announcement to make me stop.

to me, you are dead. i stop being nice to dead people.

terlangkah

tidak akan pernah ada satu api dan satu air yang sama kuatnya di dalam sebuah bejana. salah satu pasti akan kalah.

 

when it would never be you. it should logically be me.

lullaby

now i do not know why i have to listen to christinaperri's athousandyears, colbiecaillat's inevertoldyou, neontrees' animals, katyperry's theonethatgotaway, and sarabareilles' lovesong before i went to bed last night. they all remind me of what we are. or were. of how this thing i have, or had for, or with you.

i feel indifferent this very morning. about us.

must be the songs.

re-bruised

i should not have sung you soft kitty. it was too fast. now you feel better. while i got worse.

guess it is time to jog along.

sugarbuzz

mommie, last night i dreamed of us. you. your bestfriend. and me. i do not know why my brother was nowhere to be seen in the dream. we were having ice cream. do you remember how you used to not let me having chocolate ice cream soda at moncherie because it contained soda. and it was presented in such a too tall glass that a five year old would never finish it. my brother would order it and you would let him. he was seven, and it was chocolate and soda. of course he could finish it. you would order me something like one or two scoops of ice cream with chocolate eggrolls, because you know crispy things distract me more than the ice cream itself. but that was somewhat twentyfour years ago. when you did not have high blood sugar. when you could afford a simple luxury every now and again for us, your two brats. when you could walk proudly in heels so high i did not know you were not even taller than me. when i did not have to meticulously count every single coin i need to spend just to have fun with you or plainly see you because i have to juggle between expenses for the house and unplanned getaway. when i was carefree.

when i was happier.