my crush

When I was just a little girl –as a result of too many Maria dan
September and Black Beauty, I guess– I wanted a pony. I don’t remember
whether it would be male or female, but I think I wanted it to be
brown. I didn’t remember how old I was when I first desired a pony,
though. I remembered that I would talk my mother into buying me a pony.
When she said we don’t have a place to put it. I would say that it can
go in the garage. I didn’t really think that having a pony would mean
feeding, bathing, grooming and bla and bla and bla. And most
importantly, having the money to do all of the above. So, having a pony
remained a dream.

There are times when I really really wanted a
pony. Like when I was in grade five or six I used to cycle around SCTV
with my cousins, uncles and brother. When we went home, we often take
the route where we would pass an area that was known as “patung kuda”
–because there’s this big white horse statue (some say in some nights
it can turn its head *getting goosebumps*)– and somewhere near the
statue there was this little crooked house (didn’t really remember how
the house was) with quite a broad yard (well, it’s not exactly a yard,
it’s more likely to be somewhat a savana, so it’s more like a savana
with a house), and there was this horse that I believe was a pony. The
figure was pony-like. It was grey. The legs were short. It had a big
–not pregnant big– and round tummy. But my uncle called it “kuda
njembling”. Njembling is Javanese for big, round and hanging tummy
mostly cuz it contained water. He believed that it was only a colt and
that it would grow bigger. I believed that it was a pony. Thus, I often
take that route where I could pass that place. Just to see the pony.
Sometimes I even imagine that I would go wild and drop by to caress it
or if I were lucky, ride it. I never did that, though.

As time
went by I sort of forgot about wanting a pony. I got myself some cats
that I really fought for having since my father hated cats. I would
endure painful wound from parting a catfight (a real catfight) just so
I can keep my cats. If my father found out that I was hurt by cats
(even when they weren’t mine) he would throw out my cats. It would made
his point that I wasn’t able to have cats because they were dangerous
creatures. Anyways, I had cats and I forgot about the pony thing.
Mostly because I have no more connection with horsey-porsey. I stopped
watching movies or reading stories on animals because somehow those
stories were sad. I hate to see animals being abused.

Suddenly,
more than ten years later, I remembered that I used to want a pony. I
was watching the second season Apprentice and saw Kelly, one of the
contestant, being given a task to arrange a polo tournament. At first I
didn’t recall my childhood dream of having a pony, but when I saw those
horses on the field, those brown horses, I suddenly remembered. I don’t
know whether I might still want a pony or not, but reminiscing the
memory of me wanting a pony made me smile. One thing I know, when I had
the chance –meaning the money– to own a pony, I would definitely get
one or maybe even a whole herd of ponnies. Just for the sake of feeling
the should’ve, would’ve and could’ve.

I gues when little girls had their first crush on somebody older, I had mine on a pony.

ya, aku mencintaimu

Terima kasih karena telah memperkenalkan kebaikannya kepadaku.
Mengajariku untuk selalu yakin dan bahwa masalah-masalahku ada karena
cintanya. Menunjukkan lewat kesabaran menunggu sebagai bentuk cintamu
padanya. Memilah-milah mendesak, penting dan sepele. Aku tak mengerti
semua itu. Aku selalu ingin tahu apa, mengapa, dan bagaimana. Selalu
memberontak tanpa pernah benar-benar memahami tindakanmu. Nasihatmu.
Dirimu.

Aku paham jika kau lelah mengajakku mencintainya.
Mencintai caranya. Aku mengerti jika kau akan pergi meninggalkanku dan
membiarkanku bertingkah semauku. Aku akan rindu pengingat-pengingatmu
akan cintanya. Aku tidak akan lupa semuanya. Aku menghargai semuanya.
Namun, sementara ini, aku ingin mencintainya dengan caraku sendiri.
Tanpa bantuanmu. Bukan aku tidak membutuhkannya. Atau tak ingin kau
membantuku. Hanya saja aku tidak sepertimu, aku belum seyakin dirimu
bahwa ia cinta padaku. Aku ingin mencintainya sepertimu. Aku ingin
mencintainya karena ia mencintaiku.

Nanti, jika kita kembali
bertemu, semoga memang itu yang seharusnya. Qudrat dan iradatnya.
Semoga saat itu kau telah siap untuk membentangkan sajadahmu di depan
sajadahku. Memimpin takbiratul ikhram hingga salam lima kali sehari
tanpa pernah ingin berhenti. Menuntunku melafadzkan qalqalah yang
benar. Membantuku mengenal tajwid lebih intim. Membenahi hidupku. Aku
berharap jika saat itu tiba, aku telah siap mengikutimu tanpa keluh
kesah. Tak sekedar karena ingin menemanimu mencari ridhonya, tetapi
karena aku juga mencarinya. Jika saat itu tiba, aku ingin kita tidak
hanya bercinta karena kau mencintaiku atau aku mencintaimu. Lebih dari
itu, aku ingin kita bercinta karena kita mencintainya.

Sayangnya, sekarang, aku hanya tahu bahwa aku mencintaimu. Padanya? Entahlah, aku tak yakin.