been

dissed. ditched. dumped. ducked.

pricks like a thorn #2

well, snowboarding is cool. and she enjoyed telling him jokes that can make him laugh. but she does not really look for a hook up with a boy. of course he is older than her and she knows that boys will always be boys. but, she is sort of fed up with trying to be the wiser one. because she is not. she wants to act like any girl her age. she does not want to nurture. she wants to be taken care of. she no longer wants to be the one who is responsible of everything. she wants to be any reckless twentyeight year old. she is tired to be the one with the sensible mind. she wants to be one of those kawaii cute girls. who only care about straightening or dyeing their hair. or paint their nails in the shape of watermelon. whom boys will love anyway. who can just giggle and being dumb and boys would still hover around them. but most of all, she thought about how living in helsinki would be a whole new hell for her. she is allergic to cold weather. and to be with a guy who snowboards, means a constant torture. she was not sure that is what she wants.

mumsies

i have always been afraid of losing her. every single day. i have never thought that her superpower could wear out. i thought that she is invincible. now i know how he must have felt. his is older than 85. mine is 64. they are supposed to last forever. to kiss our (and their own) war wounds away painlessly. not leave incurable cuts. or be beaten by cancer or high blood pressure. because they are wingless angels made of something harder than steel, softer than silk, stronger than hulk and definitely smarter than einstein.

are they not?

wishlist (5)

tuhan, kalau masih boleh minta, aku tidak ingin diberi barang bekas. walaupun masih bagus. karena aku ingin hidup yang sederhana dan lebih tidak rumit. barang pernah pakai mungkin perlu perawatan ekstra. aku tidak yakin sanggup memeliharanya. meskipun ragu, rentang usia sepuluh sampai dua belas tahun menurutku masih berterima, walaupun mungkin banyak pijakan dan layar yang perlu diselaraskan pelan-pelan dan dengan kepala santai yang terbuka. tapi, kalau boleh, aku tidak hanya ingin berbunga-bunga dan terlambung ke udara, lupa mendarat lagi ke tanah karena terlalu lama tidak terbisik hujan. aku lebih ingin merasa senyaman ketika ibuku yang lugu dan tidak mengerti apa itu jus ad bellum atau jus in bello, namun tetap mampu menentramkan peperangan yang berkelebatan di hidupku. baik di kala hujan maupun ketika matahari bersinar cerah. aku ingin bercerita kepadanya semudah dan sepolos ceritaku kepada ibuku, dan kadang ayahku. aku tidak ingin merasa takut tentang dia, kecuali ketika aku terpaksa melepaskannya untukmu.

aku tidak tahu apakah memang ada rasa yang belum ternamai untuk dia. namun jika memang ternyata ada, tolong kabulkan keinginanku ini.

aku masih akan sering datang kepadamu. meski tanpa ritual. terima kasih.

amin.

wishlist (4)

mungkin ini cara tuhan menyentil bahuku, setelah terlalu lama sibuk tanpa peduli dengan kabarnya, maupun perasaannya. tapi, tuhan, jangan ambil kegesitannya dulu, jangan ambil dia sekarang. juga jangan biarkan ia terbebani dengan kami yang terlalu ia sayangi. aku tahu aku tidak akan setegar dia, jika dia pergi. aku lebih kuat menampik tuntutan orang lain terhadap kami, daripada melihatnya berusaha tegar meskipun diam-diam sedih dan tertekan, kasihan terhadap kami yang tidak juga berumahtangga.  

 

jadi, tuhan, berilah dia sedikit ketegaran, kesehatan dan kesabaran, untuk melalui berbagai musim pernikahan yang mungkin tidak akan pernah menjadi sebuah perayaan di keluarga kami.

 

amin.

pricks like a thorn #1

it was a cold noon in helsinki. just like in other cities in the rest of europe. he was walking back from the supermarket carrying groceries in one hand. his other hand was holding his mobile phone. texting a girl she barely knew thousand miles away from where he was. she is a funny girl. she made him laugh couple of times. well, it was his idea to make her telling jokes. and just like ronnie from jersey shore, it was as if she said 'come at me, bro..'. she took the challenge. and was good at it. he did not really know where things are going, heck, he did not even know what time was it where she was. but, he enjoyed her company. she asked what he was doing, and telling her he was making croissant sounded fancier than eating a sandwich. so, that was what he did. sweet-talking a girl is what he does best. he wondered what would she think of him. because she sounded so cool traveling to remote areas as a living. at least compared to him snowboarding. who doesn't snowboard in scandinavia? and just like a glacier suddenly comes up in the mountain slope, she stopped texting him after he told her he snowboards. he thought snowboarding was cool.

of peacock and rainbow

in case one day you accidentally come across this blog, since you came to our place, you become the reason i dress better recently. i know i can like you just like i like your predecessor. although i disapprove the blue shirt and khaki trousers. always. and as a gay italian -which does not reflect in your masculine german name-, with shoes to match every outfit every other day of the week, you should know better.

so, yes, we're not marc jacobs or alexander mcqueen, but now that i think about it, being nicely dressed does bring good feelings.

thank you.

sendiri sebentar lagi

nanti, kalau i memutuskan untuk tidak cepat-cepat pulang dari eropa, w berangkat ke amerika untuk kuliah dan tinggal di sana selama dua tahun dan mungkin tidak ingin cepat-cepat pulang juga, lalu u tidak juga dapat pekerjaan dan terpaksa tinggal kembali dengan orangtuanya di banyuwangi atau kakaknya di mojokerto, dan r yang sengaja menenggelamkan diri dalam pekerjaannya di subang meneliti tikus-tikus, atau m yang hanya available setelah gajian atau orangtuanya sehat atau sedang tidak kumat darah tingginya, serta l selalu sibuk bepergian untuk senang-senang;

 

aku main dengan siapa?

plong

seperti akhirnya bersin, setelah hidung gatal. atau bertemu toilet setelah menahan b.a.b.

yeah. i missed that.

when your plow is pencil

in some countries it would be wise to know what property value more, so you will know what and what not to hit.

 

i was talking nonsense with a colleague about our other colleague who just got an accident and broke his arm after hitting a herd of cows in an empty road to indonesia and papua new guinea border. he hit one of the six cows and the cow is dead. he was going 100 kms/hour with a motorcycle at that time.

 

i felt sorry because i know him a bit too well, but i also could not help not to laugh. mostly because in papua, people say that if you hit a living thing, the owner will ask you for money based on how many udders that being has. so, hitting a human is cheaper than hitting a pig. but hitting a pig is more expensive than any other animals, because it is a valuable property that worth more than, say, a house. and hitting female pig is worse because it is considered as a source of trustfund for its ability to breed piglets. therefore hitting a pig which is pregnant could be the worst, because not only we have to pay for the pig but also for its dead unborn piglets.

 

then an expat colleague joined the conversation. she said that in bosnia, in some particular area, people grow plums to make slivovitsa (plum brandy). then there was this one time when an expat was heading for a meeting in a village where the roads were slippery. at some point, it was so slippery that he could not control the vehicle that he had to choose to either hit a goat or hit a tree. he tried so hard to avoid the goat then finally hit a tree. the owner of the house came out and scolded him for hitting his tree. it was a plum tree with lots of plums on it. the expat tried to explain that he did not want to kill the goat. the owner said he doesn't care about the goat, it took him ten years to grow the plum, and when it was finally grow fruits an expat hit it. the expat had to pay something equal to a hundred euros today. that was a lot of money, considering it was back then in circa 99. but the funniest (or rather unfortunate for the expat) was when he was back to the office, the administrator told him that since it was the expat's mistake to not being able to control the vehicle, he had to fix the car, pay the farmer and not allowed to drive the company's car anymore. all in a day's work.

 

so, yes, cultural briefing is important.

raja gombal

if you say my eyes are beautiful, it's because they're looking at you..

if you wonder why i'm smiling, it's because i'm happy with you..

if you say my eyes are beautiful, it's because i love you so..

 

-jermaine jackson feat. whitney houston-

houston, we got a problem!

why am i mourning whitney more than when it happened to michael?

by the way's (11)

wonder whether it is really weird that as i girl i often fell asleep watching chick flicks, and more excited watching ryan gosling's drive or fight club or limitless or unknown or the ocean's trilogy. i have only been able to rewatch 3 chick flicks and they are serendipity, the mirror has two faces and never been kissed. because i fall deeply in love and will someday marry michael vartan. i cannot even stick to watching glee or gossip girl or keeping up with the kardashians or lipstick jungle. yet, i feel a part of me is missing when i could not follow dexter or all three of csi or life or talk to me.

and while i cannot finish reading the devil wears prada or shoppaholic's series, i feel the constant longing for rereading orwell's keep the aspisdystras flying and chuck palahniuk's books since snuff. but, i did go through one day until the end and had once felt romanced up by can you keep a secret.

is it normal for a girl to prefer what i preferred? or am i just a snob for having different preferences?

note to self (22)

blog more than what you can chew.

not in the sandbox

so, yes, i enjoyed your company. or rather, i enjoyed accompanying you. for a short while, god finally granted one of my wishes. i literally laughed upon realizing that. god gave me four hours of what i wanted. i know i am no match for your lifestyle, and four hours was such a short time to expect a happy ending. but i really think we clicked as if we had known each other at another life. so, excuse me for being mellow everytime i read our texts. and as much as i know that we will never cross each other's path again, all girls should be a hopeless romantic. at any age.

now i can cross 'you' on my accomplished list.

by the way's (10)

should i get a dog like her? i really love how she smiles after being praised for being obedient. she is only 8 months old and just got her first period. she is easily distracted and takes longer time to understand the dog whisperer's commands. if she were kids, experts would have diagnosed her with adhd. but, she is probably just hot or could not understand the language well. her whisperer should have talked in russian or nordic language. she is not at all scary even with her wolf-like looks. she is playful yet with a firm figure. she is like minerva mcgonagall. and i have always wanted to have a big dog. and have long missed sleeping with pets.

but i'm not sure i could afford 2 millions a month for the first six months of maintenance. or walk her for 10 minutes a day every day. at least not at this stage.

note to self (21)

sebaiknya menyiapkan diri untuk senin dan seminggu yang penuh kekacauan dan kesakithatian. terutama setelah sabtu yang menyenangkan.

there is no try

jangan-jangan saya ini memang spesies aneh. kromosom x dan y saya mungkin jumlahnya tidak pas dan bentuknya jauh dari sempurna. terserahlah, itu, para ahli gender dan para pakar anatomi maupun seksualitas mau adu tonjok, silat lidah, atau tari saman, nyatanya memang saya menikmati, kok, belanja fitting lampu atau keran dan selang di toko bangunan yang panas, becek pun berdebu. saya menyenangi menyusuri koridor demi koridor toko bangunan swalayan maupun toko bangunan engkoh-engkoh di pengkolan ujung kompleks. belajar mengukur ruang dan mengetahui jenis-jenis plafon juga menarik. apalagi mencoba memasang keran air dan mengatasi pompa air yang macet. tidak selincah pak nur si tukang listrik atau pak sugeng sang mandor proyek memang. tapi lumayan menambah pengetahuan. lebih aneh lagi, saya juga tetap suka pekerjaan domestik yang lebih 'perempuan' seperti menyapu, mengepel, mencuci baju, menyetrika atau memasak. saya kurang suka mencuci piring. walaupun, selagi mengerjakan itu semua, saya juga sering ngelantur atau meleng, seperti tadi, misalnya, sedang menyapu halaman tiba-tiba berhenti dan bermain sejenak dengan anjing tetangga dan pelatihnya. atau seperti sekarang, masih punya tanggungan nyuci bak cuci piring dan ngerapiin kamar mandi, malah ngeblog dan sms'an. selain urusan domestik, saya pun nggak keberatan jadi breadwinner alias mencari uang dan bekerja di kantor. saya gemar juga mendesain program, membuat analisa bahkan turun langsung melaksanakan kegiatan. merancang kerangka acuan, rapat, survey, negosiasi dengan mitra sampai ngengkol genset, memodifikasi ruangan kantor menjadi kamar operasi, bebersih losmen, nimba air, berburu, ngusir babi sampai masak semua sudah pernah saya lakukan. masing-masing saya lakukan tanpa terpaksa apalagi menyesal. jika orang bisa biseksual, mungkin saya ini bigender.

maka, saya suka heran jika ada orang yang menolak melakukan sesuatu karena dia merasa bergender a atau bergender b. kalau saya bisa, kenapa orang lain tidak?

blue skies gone gray

i honestly love the taste of muesli –or birdseeds as my friends refer to– with yoghurt. i never eat it to lose weight or anything like that. i eat anything that makes me comfortable. and muesli with yoghurt always brings me back to that particular time on the plane from frankfurt to geneva on that early winter morning. it comforts me to know that i was on it because somebody believed –even more than i have ever believed in myself–, encouraged, fought for and even assured that i may have some skills for this job. but now she left and i haven't had that much confidence for a while now. and muesli with yoghurt gives me that sense of reassurance if not an illusion of the past memory that things will turn out fine.

 

i guess i am one of those people who are too worried about the future, walked past the present like a ghost, and dwelled too much in the past.

fuck off

i told you about every one of them because i know you freaked out when people say things about us. it is my way of telling you to relax. just because everybody suggested something, does not mean things will go that way. by now i am very much accustomed with people freaking out when they are related to me. i just want you to know that despite what people say, i don’t want to spend the rest of my life with you. so, don't worry. i wasn’t sure about it then, but i am now. you have my word and if i can't keep my word, a hundred kids deserve a treat of free meal.

his words (2)

dulu, saya sebenernya nggak niat jadi tentara. mestinya saya ke amerika dapat undangan dari fulbright. tapi exit permitnya, itu, lho, kalo sekarang semacam security clearance gitu, nggak keluar. eh, nggak lama saya dapat surat untuk wamil. mereka bilang, nanti sama aja, kok, kamu kami bisa sekolahkan ke luar negeri. akhirnya, ya, saya wamil dari itb. terus saya dikirim ke inggris. disekolahkan dan diangkat anak sama kesultanan johor. eh, pas balik, kok, ijazah saya nggak diakui. tapi, bener, deh, saya pernah ditugasin di timah, itu saya kesel banget. masak orang-orang timah itu pada punya rumah sakit dengan fasilitas mewah yang nggak boleh dimasukin masyarakat umum. sementara kami ini cuman dapet puskesmas. ya, nggak adil, dong. saya bilang ke mereka, kamu dan kami itu seperti ikan dan air, saling membutuhkan. ikan nggak ada air, mati, air nggak ada ikan nggak apa-apa, tapi kurang bagus. jadilah, mereka mulai rutin bikin pesta buat pemerintah setempat, merhatiin lingkungan sekitar. ya, mungkin mereka takut juga, saya tentara. tapi bener, deh, dulu saya kalo jadi komandan berusaha supaya sama-sama enak. akhirnya, ya, waktu saya selesai tugas di sana, masyarakat pada bawain saya sagu yang dibulet-buletin gitu, walaupun, maaf, mungkin kurang higienis, karena dibuletin pakai tangan yang mungkin juga kotor. tapi saya senang. ya, sudah, kalian jangan sampai ketinggalan pesawat lah. ibu sama irfan nanti paling dari jakarta jam tiga. salam, ya, itu buat bu jackie dan bu nita.

-on our visit to the hospital today. get well soon, pak bun-

a new low

five years ago random fling with some younger boys seemed harmless and fun. now, it seems like a desperate cry of help. to which its single second i excrutiatingly have to endure.

if this is not sad, i don't know what is.

go screw yourself

first you said it was a bad idea. then you learned that he is not going because he had to go to that place you love so much. which by the way i had told you because the big guy told me, but you did not believe me and you wanted to confront the big guy. saying as if i wanted you to do that. i don't have to have you do that. i know. i asked three people and all three confirmed the same. it must be true. anyway, then you suddenly think that my first idea was better. well, i don't mind doing it. i made it anyway, didn't i?i know that you're not comfortable with me doing it. well, you need to relax, although i probably am going to stutter doing it, i can do it. i am used to take bullets for this shit, remember? so, yeah, i kind of got offended.

but in this world, my feelings don't count, right?

problems of the world #3

isn't there a bit of guilt when you deal more with paying the subscription of cable tv or fussing over a white shirt or family vacation rather than focusing on giving inputs for the presentation? which is more important, the lives of tens of people deprived of their basic rights or you getting two free nights in bali? would you give up your chance of paid holiday for a visit to the field to deal with extremists?

 

yeah. i thought so too.

gerutu (15)

ini apa-apaan, sih? ditugaskan itu artinya dipekerjakan. datang untuk bekerja. bukan datang, lalu ingin mesin cuci dengan air panas agar baju putih tetap putih. atau ribut mencari tukang jahit. bagianmu itu mengurusi orang hilang dan ditahan. 

 

what did you think we are? marc jacobs?