my crush

When I was just a little girl –as a result of too many Maria dan
September and Black Beauty, I guess– I wanted a pony. I don’t remember
whether it would be male or female, but I think I wanted it to be
brown. I didn’t remember how old I was when I first desired a pony,
though. I remembered that I would talk my mother into buying me a pony.
When she said we don’t have a place to put it. I would say that it can
go in the garage. I didn’t really think that having a pony would mean
feeding, bathing, grooming and bla and bla and bla. And most
importantly, having the money to do all of the above. So, having a pony
remained a dream.

There are times when I really really wanted a
pony. Like when I was in grade five or six I used to cycle around SCTV
with my cousins, uncles and brother. When we went home, we often take
the route where we would pass an area that was known as “patung kuda”
–because there’s this big white horse statue (some say in some nights
it can turn its head *getting goosebumps*)– and somewhere near the
statue there was this little crooked house (didn’t really remember how
the house was) with quite a broad yard (well, it’s not exactly a yard,
it’s more likely to be somewhat a savana, so it’s more like a savana
with a house), and there was this horse that I believe was a pony. The
figure was pony-like. It was grey. The legs were short. It had a big
–not pregnant big– and round tummy. But my uncle called it “kuda
njembling”. Njembling is Javanese for big, round and hanging tummy
mostly cuz it contained water. He believed that it was only a colt and
that it would grow bigger. I believed that it was a pony. Thus, I often
take that route where I could pass that place. Just to see the pony.
Sometimes I even imagine that I would go wild and drop by to caress it
or if I were lucky, ride it. I never did that, though.

As time
went by I sort of forgot about wanting a pony. I got myself some cats
that I really fought for having since my father hated cats. I would
endure painful wound from parting a catfight (a real catfight) just so
I can keep my cats. If my father found out that I was hurt by cats
(even when they weren’t mine) he would throw out my cats. It would made
his point that I wasn’t able to have cats because they were dangerous
creatures. Anyways, I had cats and I forgot about the pony thing.
Mostly because I have no more connection with horsey-porsey. I stopped
watching movies or reading stories on animals because somehow those
stories were sad. I hate to see animals being abused.

Suddenly,
more than ten years later, I remembered that I used to want a pony. I
was watching the second season Apprentice and saw Kelly, one of the
contestant, being given a task to arrange a polo tournament. At first I
didn’t recall my childhood dream of having a pony, but when I saw those
horses on the field, those brown horses, I suddenly remembered. I don’t
know whether I might still want a pony or not, but reminiscing the
memory of me wanting a pony made me smile. One thing I know, when I had
the chance –meaning the money– to own a pony, I would definitely get
one or maybe even a whole herd of ponnies. Just for the sake of feeling
the should’ve, would’ve and could’ve.

I gues when little girls had their first crush on somebody older, I had mine on a pony.